Depression
Monday, July 30, 2007 11:48I haven’t updated very much lately on my depression. I think I’ve been so neck deep in other stuff that it’s escaped my mind. That could be taken as a good sign.
When I quit the petri dish, I halved my anti-depressant dose successfully. I went from 20mg to 10mg a day with no issues. I’m back up by a few mg as of two days ago because there was too much ‘crash’ if I forgot my meds for over 10 hours, which, because of the whole absent-minded-professor part of me, I do fairly frequently.
For a while, I was considering the possibility of being off meds completely. It’s been a year since I’ve been on them. I was kinda excited about the possibility, but scared too. I don’t like where I was when I had to start taking them. And that ’self’ comes raging out when I ‘crash’ after I miss a dose… so I know it’s still there.
I went to the doctor to evaluate my dosage and she made a good point. I was depressed for years before I ever started taking meds. I can’t expect to be ‘fixed’ in a year. I need to chill out on myself. My realistic side tells myself that I’ve battled depression my entire life. People with Asperger’s Syndrome are prone to depression, I have a family history of depression - it might just be that my brain will not ever be able to function in non-depression space without chemical help. I’m coming to terms with that.
When I crashed the other day, I had really self destructive feelings. I used to have them all the time, before meds. They were just a common thing, all my life. But I haven’t had them since meds. To have them creep up on me like that and just rage through me really put me off guard. It was a struggle to go back to that place that was accustomed to controlling those feelings until my meds kicked in. It scared me.
Sitting in the doctor’s office though, I was able to express how very strange it is to be on a really even keel for a year and then to have my brain just FLIP OUT on me when the chemical balance gets whacked. Seeing that helped make me realize just how much help my brain needs on a chemical level.
On the other side of that realization though, there is still the side of me that knows that depression is a chemical reaction that is started by a thought process. If it was started by a thought process, it stands to reason that it can be healed with a thought process. I believe that very strongly, even being in a place where my brain, for the time being, requires chemical help. I still know, very much, that one day, I’ll be off of the meds and I’ll be able to weed out whatever that thought process is that causes me to need them. One day.
Also may have been crossposted to my Asperger's Syndrome blog on Trusera.com, a site where people show health related stories. Check it out!
