A La Aspie

If you shelter half of a tree, the other half of the tree is likely to grow up and out and away from the barrier in order to get as much sun as possible to compensate for the part of the tree that is sheltered from the sun. Over time, the sheltered part is likely to wither and the non shelter part thrives.

Asperger’s Syndrome, among other things affects my social and emotional maturity. However, it doesnt affect intelligence. It’s as though it is a barrier between my social and emotional ability and the sun. My intelligence isn’t hampered… so the ways that I compensate for the social and emotional shortcomings are by using intelligence. I’m a fast learner, if by example, I mimic extraordinarily well and I learn to deal with emotional issues with logic. All of that use of intelligence instead of emotion gives me the mindset of someone who is 5 years older than I am. I compensate well enough to be at a social age of about 5 years younger than I am.

Compensation is the key. If I didn’t constantly struggle to compensate, mimic and learn social stuff, I could easily be stuck at the age I feel like - 19. And maybe that’s only a 3 year gain but to me, it’s gold. All of the thinking and relying upon my intelligence makes me a thinker rather than a doer.

I noticed this disparity again this morning as I was digging through my closet to find something business-casual for a meeting with a prospective vendor this morning. I haven’t had to dress professionally in years. These days, I wear jeans, t-shirts and flip flops to work. It’s one of the perks of working for a California dot com. I scanned my closet with a frown. My business attire selection was sparse and out of date. Out of date. For me. For me… *rolling around the taste of that on my tongue*

Technically, it was probably a little frumpy and out of date when I bought it because I have like zero sense of style and I was going for a professional look in the midsouth which equals conservative, frumpy, stark and old womanish. I probably didn’t notice that it was frumpy when I wore it. I was simply mimicking what was around me. Where women were concerned, that was older women.

My style has changed since then. I am starting to GAIN my own sense of style. That is something that usually happens in the early twenties. It’s happening to me now. Like I said, socially 5 years behind.

I mean sure, you had ‘your own style’ in high school… but it was shaped by your peers and by your parents. It was shaped by what you were supposed to wear or allowed to wear and what was acceptable to the people you surrounded yourself with. Yes, some of us were ‘rebels’… we wore black clothes and did extreme things with our hair. But then if we were rebelling, that is really a statement, again, about our environment. Then after high school, when you started to get your own life and surround yourself with your own people, that style started changing. At first it was probably a little bit shaped by those around you… but most people, at some point in there, land on their own thing and stop caring so much about those around them. That’s you. This is me… with Asperger’s Syndrome. 5 years behind you in all of that social jazz. I’m figuring this all out at age 27. I’ll be 28 next month. TWO YEARS FROM THIRTY ANRyan I’M JUST FIGURING OUT HOW I WANT TO DRESS. Hello.

It’s all part of the depressing parts of Asperger’s Syndrome… the moments of clarity when I realize just how behind others I am. But sometimes, I look at those parts of me with this faint inner smile of familiarity. I like the immature parts of my personality too. They are the parts that are still girlish and naive. Cute, even. I suppose I am clinically young at heart.

Also may have been crossposted to my Asperger's Syndrome blog on Trusera.com, a site where people show health related stories. Check it out!