There is a great event going on on July 12th in Carlsbad to benefit a local autistic boy. He’s going to go to an intensive program for two weeks and the proceeds from this event help fund his trip. I can send you the details of the event - but basically, they are going to auction off these great chairs decorated by local artists. There will be good music and good food. Here is the chair I decorated :

So.. today, I turned 30 years old. This morning around 7AM something. I made a valiant effort to stay up till then because god knows I’m not WAKING UP that early - but I failed… by about two hours.

I stayed up researching me family tree. There is something alluring in knowing who is behind me. Birth, is, in essence, an initiation in which we receive a little bit of everyone who has come before in our current and I can get immersed in learning about these people. I don’t know why it’s so captivating for me, the person who has no family - or perhaps that is exactly it.

I had the most amazing birthday dinner with a few friends. I’ve had people get together for my birthday once. It was when I was 19 and it was a keg party for me and three other guys who had birthdays around the same time. We had strippers. This was a slightly different, less nude, less drunken affair. We talked about Japanese culture and ate REALLY GOOD (amazing) sushi. There was a moment when I was brought almost to tears by the fact that I have such wonderful friends around me. And as I type this, I have to wipe a tear off of my cheek as it very dramatically rolls downward.

I came home and opened presents and ate a microwave chocolate molten cake that is like WAY too sinful to be sold in a box in the grocery store. And then I just breathed. I am… SO blessed. Truly. I am humbled each and every time someone sees me for what I am. It is a gift every time. Tonight, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

Bubbles swirling, steam curling up to a sky that holds stars somewhere behind the clouds. I feel fragmented, faceted, crashing apart to observe with detachment and make reassurances. Talk it out, put it back where it all came from. Put up on display, point out pieces with tags and descriptions, pegged to the process like flies or like frogs, graded for accuracy. It means so much to others, means something to someone, observing, just watching, what if I stand like this, can you see it, believe it, look at it from perspective. Finding meaning, please share cuz perhaps it will make sense and maybe this time I can hold it together.

Or maybe next time I’ll just dismantle unthinking… unthinking, dismantling.

Ethan is gone to his dad’s for the summer. That leaves me. This is the first time I have EVER lived alone. When I moved out, I had roommates… then I got married. When I divorced Michael, I had Ethan. I think that if I didn’t have the dog, I’d go insane. Seriously. It’s way quiet.

There shall be unwinding and unfurling and lots of me time. And more spare time because the house stays clean, the garbage doesn’t fill as quickly and the dishes don’t need to be done as often.

A: Well, first the question must be posed - which may only be done by he with the most nerve. The question must receive both a snarky comment and a scientifically based hypothesis by He Who Obviously Is the Most Scholarly. Then there must be at least one response to the effect of ‘whatever works for you’. Once the obligatory responses have been calculated, there must be a debate. The most hotly debated points must be dissected for semantic meaning. There must be at least two apologies for being misunderstood and it must be chalked up to ‘this damned technological medium’. The sum is the answer.

I took Ethan out tonight. First we went to see Kung Foo Panda. No… first, I made us peanut butter and jellies and THEN we went to see Kung Foo Panda. We screeched in just in time to miss the previews and found seats right on the isle. The movie was definitely a giggler. In fact, it was more fun going to watch it when kids were in there because something would happen on the screen and every kid in the place would start laughing with those cute little belly laughs until they were about to pee in their pants. We left arm in arm laughing about the pinky move.

As we laughed our way out onto the sidewalk, we saw a new Japanese restaurant right outside the theater. I said without thinking ‘we could go eat Japanese’ and so he pulled me in and we were seated. I ordered a scallop roll and Ethan ordered… well.. ramen noodles. Surprise, surprise. Only. It wasn’t the Americanized, over processed, non veggie havin’ Ramen noodles he was expecting. It had like.. you know.. green stuff in it.. and real meat. So we fed each other with chopsticks. I teased him about the tasty looking green lump of wasabi and ‘oh, wouldn’t he like to try it’ and he was kind enough to drop my next bite of chicken right on top of it. We laughed about how Japanese people might eat soup with chopsticks and about how he might very well starve to death if he were ever stranded in Japan.

He got up to go to the bathroom and the (very HOT) waitress came over and said “I know this will sound weird… but I saw you with your son and I think that you are great with him.” And I said thank you and I smiled all the way back to the car, arm and arm with my boy. Who then climbed into the back seat and fell asleep on the way home.

We got home and Tobi was waiting at the door wagging his whole body. He couldnt wait till I crouched down so that he could sniff and lick me till he was satisfied that I hadn’t lost any pieces on that long trip away from home. I sat down on the couch and child and dog climbed into my lap and we sat there for a minute before I realized that child was in my lap and not in bed and it was almost an hour an a half after his bed time.

He goes to his dad’s in a week and while part of me is excited to finally have the house to myself and total non-mom-me time for like two months, part of me will miss him a whole lot and I know that I’ll be ready for him to come home at the end of the summer.

… has been booming. I’ve been my own biggest supporter - with some of my personal community coming in at a close second. Although most of me knew that given complete license to do it my way, I would be a success, there was always the part of me that did the negative self talk - mimicking what negative people around me would say. So, to me, seeing success is kinda a ‘told you so’ moment. So I’d like to take this moment to waggle my tongue at them.

On the other hand, it’s really perspective shifting to finally be in a place where things are happening well. This year will hold SO much for me. I know that deep down. In a year from now, this will be a drop in the bucket. There is a sense of peace at finally being full steam ahead toward making those goals a reality. Of being on the right path.

There’s still lots of work between hither and yon and I haven’t fully ‘arrived’ yet. But it feels good to be on the doorstep.

This birthday is the only birthday in my life that my age and the day of my birthday will be the same.

Business took off with an amazing explosion and I’m busier than ever, if that’s possible. It really just means I have a bigger backlog. I’m getting someone to help me a few hours a week.

I took Tobi to get groomed yesterday and he is so freakin’ adorable. He has a whole lot less hair and he’s very fuzzy and soft. He looks so different that Ethan spent yesterday convincing himself that it was the same dog. I’m not sure he’s entirely convinced yet.

I got the best reading I’ve had in years from one of my students the other day. Hopefully, I’ll get to blog about it at some point.

My mother will be here in a week.

Ethan goes to his dad’s for the summer in a week. I will have the house to MYSELF. Which kinda freaks me out because I’m scared of the dark.

I had the WORST day yesterday. Everything I touched went badly. EVERYTHING. But… I figure it’s good to get all the bad stuff out in such little ways.

This creates a nice, rustic, translucent stain and a light seal for about 3 bucks. That 3 bucks is quite a few uses or quite a bit of coverage.

You Need :
Umber Artist’s Pigment (You could really use any color - but artist’s pigment has richer color than plain ole acrylic paint) - get this in the acrylic paint section of your local craft store… it’s about a dollar.
Water Based Sealer - again, find it in your craft store’s acrylic paint section
Water

Squirt a dollop of artist’s pigment into the bowl. I used about a tablespoon. Put about a half cup of water in the bowl and mix. Squirt a few tablespoons of sealer in and mix. It should be very watery.

When you paint it on, it soaks into the wood creating the look of naturally dark or old wood. It will be lighter when it dries. Use extra coats to make it darker.

Pics of the finish and the difference in the finished and unfinished wood below the cut.
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Gnarls Barkley

I’ve seen it with my own eyes
How we’re gettin’ otherwise
Without the luxury of leavin’
The touch and feeling of free is
Untangible technically
Something you’ve got to believe in
Connect the cause and effect
One foot in front of the next
This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.

And you can stand right there if you want
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
To a place in the sun that’s nice and warm
I’m going on
And I’m sure they’ll have a place for you too oohoohoo

Anyone that needs what they want, and doesn’t want what they need
I want nothing to do with
And to do what I want
And to do what I please
Is first of my to-do list
But every once in a while I think about her smile
One of the few things I do miss
But baby I‘ve to go
Baby I’ve got to know
Baby I’ve got to prove it

And I’ll see you when you get there
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
May my love lift you up to the place you belong
I’m going on
And I promise I’ll be waiting for you oohoohoo