PonderEthereal

Cody has been doing wonderfully as a service dog. I take him with me almost everywhere I go now and it’s absolutely SO MUCH EASIER to go out with him. It makes getting out less of a source of anxiety.

A month ago, I would avoid going to the bank. Today, I’m going with nary a second thought. yesterday, we needed hamburger buns in the middle of the day, a time that I stay clear of stores, and I took Cody and got through it great!

I still can’t take him anywhere with shiny floors because it freaks him out but for short trips to a place with shiny floors, he can sit in the car. I saw a great dog whisperer episode that gave some REALLY great tips and I realize how I reinforced the shiny floor behavior now. I’m going to try to arrange an after hours training session…

My husband, someone I loved and trusted, intentionally harmed me. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have trusted him. Intentionally causing emotional and mental harm for however many years is definitely a precursor to physical harm and maybe I should have seen that. But I didnt. He was a fixture in my life for 14 years. My life was built around our relationship. And then suddenly, he was the thing that was putting me in danger. Suddenly, my the structure of my life was in peril… my home and my ability to take care of me and my son. And worst of all, suddenly, the thing that felt safest in my life meant danger.

For the first week or so, I was just in shock. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t remember, I couldn’t function. There was one day, Sexxyred1 took me to the doctor - maybe the day after it happened? And I…

Anxiety

• Magnesium - relaxes the body - great for mild stress or stress that causes moodiness
• Omega 3 - great for anxiety. You may need several thousand mg. It usually comes in 1-2000 mg gelcaps. You can use any source (fish oil, flaxseed oil etc)
• Melatonin - great for quieting racing thoughts at bed time. Melatonin is a natural chemical in the brain that signals the body to go to sleep… can be bought in supplement form and is non habit forming. Take at the same time every night to go to sleep. I prefer the extended release kind.
• Valerian - herbal sleep aid - I use a Valerian/hops mixture

Depression

• 5Htp - increases serotonin levels in the brain. Seratonin is the chemical that makes us happy.
• St. Johns Wort - natural anti depressant

Diet

• Cut out caffeine - caffeine causes a reaction in the body that mimics anxiety. Withdrawal can be horrid - replace coffee or soda with…

I know, I know, I KNOW I have posted this before. So ’scuse the repeat if you’ve read it. This exercise is great for awake people, anxiety attacks or generally getting some much needed peace and quiet. I creeated it for myself several years ago and it’s great for someone who is very ‘awake’ and sensitive to energetic exchanges. Constant energetic exchange with no break causes anxiety, burnout, adhd type symptoms and depression among other things. Again, one of these days, I’ll record it.

Sit or lie down and close your eyes. Use energy from the air, environment or universe around you to pull together an oval shell all the way around you. If you are unable or unsure of energy work, you can imagine that this is happening but ideally, you ultimately want to actually be doing the energy work behind the visualization. The shell can be thin at…

I’m not physically or mentally built to stand up under drama. The last month and a half has been so nuts for me. It’s been all up and down and OMG Drama. I feel like I’m just going to break under it. One minute I’m mad, the next, I’m not. I’ll be all frantic and pissed off and then emotional zen kicks in and I just don’t care any more. Or maybe the pressure just finally hits the kill switch.

I’ve had moments of clarity - like this one. After a night of drinking, usually. Drinking relives stress so that makes sense. But then it all comes dripping back in and I’m pitched off into this whacky world of no clear up or down and being upside down whilst sideways again for weeks at a time. The other day, something about perspective allowed me to back out and see the…

I had one last night.. and I totally went off the deep end at Ryan.

I am SO scared.. I let myself be happy again and now she's coming back in town. I dont want to hurt like that again. Im on a hair trigger.. and then a small unrelated thing happens and I imagine that I am hurt again and I fly to protect myself.

I dont excuse my behavior. I should control my anxiety.. I just havent had 'anxiety' in months.. and it took me by suprise. It happened before I realized what was happening.. thats the nature of anxiety.

He isnt very understanding though.. he has zero sympathy and very little patience. Seeing as how he's the one that fucked me up, Id think he'd give me just a little leeway while I try to deal with this. He told me last night that when I was…

*sigh* What to say, what to say.. Shame on me for letting life get to me this week. Ive been upset about Ethan, upset about Ryan and.. bored. Put all that together and you get emotion.

In the past when people disrespected me in some way, I got upset about it. This weekend, it was easier to know ‘You did/thought/said that because you wanted to. I dont agree with it and I don’t respect what you did.’ … rather than getting so wound up trying to prove that they are wrong to say/think/do that about me. I just don’t respect what you did - nor do I respect you for doing it - and that is worth enough at face value.

This weekend was REALLY a study of seeing the shoe on the other foot. Watching other people in situations I have been in in the past. People are FAR…

One of the hardest things for me to do in all of this anxiety stuff has been to seperate foresight from anxiety.

I have a bad habit of jumping to the worst possible assumptions about a situation. Its part of anxiety. I see 2+2 and I get -1 out of it because I fill in two weeks worth of math that may or may not happen and is usually worst case scenario. HOWEVER. I have always been intuitive. Short of turning it off altogether, I have never been able to seperate that ‘knowledge’ from what every day normal people get. I’ve never been able to explain where it comes from or how I know or apply logic to it. I have a knack for reading people and patterns and somehow knowing whats going to happen in a situation before it happens.

So what you end up with is three types of…

For what its worth, Ive noticed that as Ive dealt with all this anxiety, my handwriting has changed dramatically. Just noticed that today. Neater. Definitely.

When Im anxious, my heart races, my stomach turns, my breathing gets shallow and short, Im removed from the moment, Im jittery and nervous and adrenaline races through me. When one is imminently excited, their heart races, their stomach turns, their breathing gets shallow and short, they are jittery and jumpy and adrenaline races them into expectation. The difference between an anxiety response and an excitement response is the mindset. When these responses kick in, I am suddenly very afraid because these responses are a result of the fight or flight response that so many times prefaced negative things. Now, I take a step back and realize there is no imminent fear and I’m excited. And things that would have made me a nervous wreck before make me happy and giddy.

When its not something that is imminently in my environment.. whether anxious or excited, all of those responses cause all…