PonderEthereal

I came to a point in my life, not too long ago, when I gave up panic, in the moment. There is no reason for overwhelming emotion in that moment, there is no reason to push up against something I don’t know how to handle, in that moment. There is no reason for instant reactions. It simply does no good. It’s not productive.

I admit, that I reached that conclusion only after having been pushed into the panic corner so much that I finally gave up. And low and behold, the sky didn’t fall if I didn’t hold it up with my panic! I learned that if there is nothing that can be done right then, in that moment, there is simply nothing that can be done. It’s like living moment to moment, I suppose.

I might panic, in general when too much is laying on me and I certainly do…

Last year, one of my students who’d been with me for a couple of years gave me a plant as a gift. It started to die eventually and I dejectedly told her that I couldn’t make anything stay alive. She assured me I could. We figured out that the pot didn’t have any drainage so the water was never being used and the plant was getting over watered. We put it in new soil and a new pot and within a week, it had new buds and was coming back to life.

I asked her to show me her plant magick. “How do you keep something alive?!” She told me it was easy and there really is no magick to it. “It’s just about listening to the plants.” “Great”, I though. “I have to be a Plant Lady who can talk to my plants to get it.”

So she brought…

How can I take back my power without giving other people theirs back? I can’t unilaterally keep the beliefs that I have a right to keep all of my power and that other people do not have that right. Isn’t their right to keep their power as important as mine? How can I keep my power if one of my sources of power is taking it from others? Then it was never mine to begin with. I can’t expect to keep something that isn’t mine.

I used to be REALLY emotionally explosive. I would cry and get angry all the time and rather than just crying or being angry, I would explode with it. I fixed that with a few years of work, just on principal alone. But what I see now is that the OTHER thing that I was getting out of that explosiveness was ‘forcing’ that person to give…

Travel has never really been a part of ‘things I enjoy’. The whole idea of being away from home, potentially staying in hotels or not knowing where I am or what’s around… it all scares me. In fact, I’ve always said I would want to see Tibet and Greece - but I always ‘knew’ I never would because the idea of travel is so daunting.

Travel has always been a struggle for me. I have such odd issues with spacial balance that if I can’t come back to a space where everything is where I expect it to be, I grow very restless and moody very quickly. Being clean is a weird one too. I don’t like showering in showers that I didn’t clean. My shower at home can get grubby between cleanings - but at least I know where that grub has been! :) Every time I travel, it’s…

Last night was a really tough night of lots of soul searching and True Path Healing. Putting the pieces together of past trauma is never easy… especially when it’s yourself trying to do it. But I did come to a few really important conclusions - one of which was about drug use.

My drug of choice for a couple of years was acid. I did enough acid to last anyone a lifetime. I heard once that if you do 10 hits of acid, you are considered legally insane. Whether it’s true or not, I would do that easily in a weekend - every week… for over a year. And yes, there were other things mixed in.. but it was the acid that had the most impact.

When I started using acid, I was in a pivotal point of my life. I had just realized that everything I thought I knew…

There is a flavor to the air when it’s late like this. It’s silent out and every responsible upstanding person is in bed early enough to be useful tomorrow at work and school. And I’m going out to get a burger because I’m craving beef. Trance droning on and on. Barely any cars out on the road. I meet one at the four way and it’s an odd camaraderie type thing.. like “wtf are you doing out, dude. Aren’t you supposed to be in bed by now? Oh.. yeah.. I guess, me too. Catch ya later.” Or something.

The flavor comes… the late night, no one is out, sprinklers have been on, trance is droning flavor. It’s a grossness that eeks up over my shoulders and makes me want to wince. Even though I was cleaning up after teaching a witchcraft class - not wiping mascara from under my tired…

Sometimes, when I look around at the world and what’s happening in it and when I tune into the turmoil that I know it has to result in, I want to run away and live out in the mountains somewhere where I don’t think it can reach me.

When I was young, we lived in the country. I’d have fantasies of building my own house and living so off of the land that I was completely self sufficient and the feeling of coziness that comes from that is still comforting. That fantasy is still the end result of those half crazed, fear driven flows of thought that begin with politics and end in partially true conspiracy theories that leave me feeling completely helpless in the midst of it all. What else is there to do but to go far away to someplace untouched by ’society’ where I can just Be.

My…

In my latest foray into Gertrude-land, it occurred to me that she is not the only person around me with a very skewed sense of reality. Psychohosebeast was known to send me tripping down the rabbit hole a time or two. My mother is one of those too. Ryan does it every now and then. They look around them and they see this really rippled image of the world around them. They see motive and intention where there is none. They jump at shadows. They assume the worst. They pull mad concoctions of events out of their ass and plaster it across the universe.

And of course, they see me through those eyes too. And what they find is someone who will fulfill every mad, paranoid theory they have. And really, I’m not so keen on hurting much of anything much less another person. Although I’m not entirely benign and I’ve…

I seem to be running fear through the iron pentacle an awful lot lately. Recycling it into something I can like… use. Like a nice feeling of sexprideselfpowerpassion… or a big fluffy soft pink sweater. Take your pick.

It’s like if it’s not in one place it’s in another. Fear of being me, fear of what will happen, fear of what someone will say, fear of what is up ahead. I am sick of fear. I am sick of being afraid. I don’t know where it came from but I shan’t let the door hit it in the arse on the way out.

Fear only occurs when something is unknown. Fear is an illusion. I tell clients that several times a week. Fear is an illusion. If the thing we were afraid of really existed, we would no longer be afraid, we would just simply act or react. We are afraid…

I wonder sometime how much of me is just reflections from the outside. It’s like looking out and seeing reflections of me looking out. I am not sure I know how to be me without those. Sometimes I feel so blind when I look at myself. It’s like seeing myself as a negative where I only see what I am not. And as I stop to back up and rewrite that because it doesnt sound like I meant for it to sound (I meant a photo negative and that I only see where there is not mass) I realize that maybe the inadvertent misunderstanding really is the understanding.

Do I know who I am? Sometimes I think I do… and then others I think, maybe I’m all wrong. What a shame that all of these years have spun up into me, here still not knowing which way is up. I see…