PonderEthereal

Sometimes things are hard to say. And sometimes they come out all wrong. So I just stop saying them.

I like coding…. I like to lose myself in code sometimes. Write a program for something I will never use. I write something and the screen does something. It’s like magick. Anything I want can happen. It doesn’t have feelings and if I type it in wrong, it just stares at me blankly.

There are lots of things I would say if I had the words and lots of things I wouldn’t say if I knew how they would be taken.

Words have their place and their shortcomings. If we would or could all just trust what we KNOW, we wouldn’t have to rely upon them so much when trying to communicate things that sometimes just should not be communicated in words.

I went to my first T’ai Chi class this morning. A couple of weeks ago, I found great, cheap classes at the community center and thought ‘There is no time like the present’ and so… today was the present. I’m learning T’ai Chi Ch’uan and we are learning a form with a really long name and 60 some odd movements.

My class mates are all older than me. At first I felt a little out of place floating (read: clomping) around the dance floor with women old enough to be my grandmother. But then I realized they were all more coordinated with me and I can only imagine how much more out of place I would feel with people my age. It’s like I have a handicap in this class. A handicap over the handicapped. Sorta. I digress.

I wore a pair of yoga pants… you know, the flair leg, knit pants…

It occurred to me this weekend as I was pondering some upcoming changes that have been long awaited that I have not been eager to actualize those things. These are things I’ve wanted for years that are finally on the brink of happening and I am almost cautious about pursuing them. I’m waiting for a chance for them NOT to happen.

I can understand where that would come from. There have been many big things in my life that I’ve wanted and been disappointed over. Most of my accomplishments I view as having clawed and scrambled toward finally getting. I can’t think of many that just fell into my lap. Or even fell into my lap after some work. It seems though, that there is a bigger trend of self defeat than there is reason for and that maybe it’s that trend of self defeat that has made things more difficult…

Life is this massive drama. There are all of these people all walking their own paths. This massive web of happenstance. These women in my life… they all have their own drama. They all came from somewhere and are going somewhere and have mixed their hands in my life and I think that it’s a wonder that I’ve wound up here despite them all. Not just women, mind you. But today, we did a lot of talking about women in my life. My mom, my sister, my step mom, psychohosebeast, Natalie, my friend’s mom, her sister. And all of these women.. they lived out their own lives and their own drama and somewhere from between them, out we come to land where we are now.

Their drama isn’t so much unlike my own. They all survived their own dramas and they all want what I ultimately want… happiness. And they…

If I had a category for ’sappy’, this would so be in it. It is a post of significance though - which seems to have been lacking lately.

On the way home, I was listening to Spa 73 and they played Sia’s, Breathe Me. That song speaks to levels of me that I couldn’t describe other than to just sing the song to you. And I border on tone deaf… so that wouldn’t be pretty.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

I get myself into these situations.. and I know this. Over and over and over and over in my life. And every time, I always look back and kick myself that I’m in such a helpless situation and I know through and through that there is no one to blame but myself and somehow…

After all of the anger and hostility from the ‘other side’ of the high school drama, today, someone emailed to say she understood and apologized. She emailed everyone in the class to say that someone had explained to her what they had been through in high school and that she understood - so much so that it almost made her cry because it was just so heartbreaking to see it. I cried when I read her email. Not just a tear or two. I cried from deep down inside from a place that was so relieved to see the light of day. I wandered into my altar space and fell down in front of Spirit and sobbed until I couldn’t anymore. And then I Willed as much blessing and healing upon that woman as she could stand in one day. Heal her for having lived through the experience of knowing…

You know how when you run your computer for like ever… and all of those dust bunnies collect behind it.. right where the fan is? Your computer keeps chugging along.. but you KNOW there is a massive amount of dust back there? And you never pull it out and vacuum because it’s such a pain in the ass… what with the cords, vibrator accessories and how heavy it is and then you would have to like put it BACK in there… with all the cords and accessories and such? And so you leave it there and it keeps gathering dust.. and then one day, when you’re feeling really industrious… like you just cannot be stopped on your mission to scrub the universe… and you get done scrubbing the grout with a toothbrush and it occurs to you that you should really vacuum behind the computer? And so you put your husband’s…

Meme: Compare the person you are now with the person you were two years ago. Make a list of the three most important differences.

Two years ago would be April of 2004. Good thing I had the presense of mind to write about it cuz I’m sitting here trying to even think of where I was living at the time and I have no idea. I’ve SO slept since then. *sigh*

We were living in a really small apartment that we loved when we moved in and hated by the time we moved out.
Things were still rocky with Emma in school.
I was working 2 full time jobs.
I was just starting my new business.
I had just launched distanceparent.org.
I was doing yoga at work.
I had Ethan for the second 4 month stint that year.

Knowing those things, I also know that I was really scrambling to form a foundation for my life moving forward. I was forming…

It seems appropriate that as we pass through air, thoughts start flowing more freely. On the way home tonight, I popped in my easily all time favorite electronica cd. From there, it was just a simple step outward and I was flying.

I might have thought I turned it all off. And maybe I did. Maybe I perceived that as a stop in the path. My starting fresh, I have always associated with turning it off. And maybe it is part of that. But maybe not in the way I always imagined. The catalyst was already there. I had already partaken in enough of my own True Path to know what lie ahead for me. Slapping a filter on it didn’t stop me in my tracks. It only let the lights die down far enough that I could see my Path.

My Will is the Way.

I manifest my desires daily…

My brain is coming back together, it feels like. I’m a long way from ‘done’ with these issues and I’m sure it will restructure and shuffle around some more before they are done. I don’t think it’s pure coincidence that we started into water purification two weeks ago. I just absolutely can’t wait to bust that demon out. YES! (I know sarcasm is sometimes difficult to read. Let me assure you, that was entirely sarcastic.)

To hear me talk about it, it must sound like my life is a mess.. it sounds that way to me. But my life isnt. I still have a great family and a lovely home and friends and love and enough money . I’m holding it together on the outside. It’s one of the benefits of AS, I think.. the ability to be emotionally detached. Well. Sometimes it’s a benefit.. like now. It allows me to…