PonderEthereal

My husband, someone I loved and trusted, intentionally harmed me. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have trusted him. Intentionally causing emotional and mental harm for however many years is definitely a precursor to physical harm and maybe I should have seen that. But I didnt. He was a fixture in my life for 14 years. My life was built around our relationship. And then suddenly, he was the thing that was putting me in danger. Suddenly, my the structure of my life was in peril… my home and my ability to take care of me and my son. And worst of all, suddenly, the thing that felt safest in my life meant danger.

For the first week or so, I was just in shock. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t remember, I couldn’t function. There was one day, Sexxyred1 took me to the doctor - maybe the day after it happened? And I…

Tomorrow is my 3rd wedding anniversary. My phone just reminded me.

I spent today packing a bunch of Ryan’s crap into boxes.

I haven’t thought about him in days.

Here’s to freedom from fourteen years of wondering, six years of abuse and three years of holding together a broken family.

I’m planning a Starting Over Party starting today. The whole intrawebs are invited. Just kidding. Really. Don’t show up at my house.

By Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walked down the street.
There was a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fell in.
I was lost.
I was helpless.
It took me a long time to get out.

Chapter 2
I walked down the same street.
There was a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretended I didn’t see it.
I fell in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
It wasn’t my fault.
Still took me a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walked down the same street.
There was a hole in the sidewalk.
I saw it was there.
I fell in again! It was a habit.
My eyes were wide open,
and I knew where I was.
It was my fault,
and I got out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walked down the same street.
There was a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walked around it.

Chapter 5
I walked down a different street.

…

I picked Ethan up today from school by myself for the first time since last week. My ‘body guards’, as a friend called them, waited anxiously at home for me. I wanted him to feel like today was getting back to normal. No trips to offices of official people who speak legaleze, no paperwork or talk of big things that make no sense. Just me picking him up after school to come home and do homework, eat dinner and laze around for the evening.

I brought him home. And then I cleaned. I scrubbed, I swept, I vacuumed. With one arm. Until I got heart palpitations and had to stop. And remember that I’m still traumatized. And that no matter how hard I scrub, I can’t make it normal again.

I’ve been whipped up into a storm of official paperwork, medical evaluations, legal terms and definitions, security precautions, case numbers, dates and long lists of things to do, take care of, wrap up and begin. Most of all, I’m in pain, recovering from trauma and still a wee bit in shock.

If it had not been for friends being here around the clock to make sure I remember to breathe, friends to go with me to remember the instructions babbled by one official or another, friends and family who called just to tell me they support me and love me, I would not be able to function at all right now.

Thank you all so very much, truly from the bottom of my heart. I promise, when I have use of both hands and all of my wits again, I’ll surface again with something to say. I’m bigger, badder, smarter and…

Ethan comes home tomorrow after being at his dad’s for the summer. With some close examination, it has come to my attention that my emotional state over that is far more negative than positive and for that reason, other than the practical preparation, I haven’t really dwelled on it.

First of all, I’m dreading the discipline issues that are likely to come with him. He’s been at his dad’s where he hasn’t been held to the routine standards he will need to adhere to to successfully make it through a day in school without having an outburst. That means that we will be back at square one and he will have to re-learn how to monitor himself. That means a bumpy road. That’s aside from the obvious issues of readjusting to different rules and means of discipline which will be painful anyways. His dad did a really good job of…

It's been an adjustment for us all.. Ethan and myself.. and Ryan and Emma. I think we're figuring it out pretty well. I cherish the time I get with my angel. He is so amazing. So much like me. smile.. And Ryan is awesome with him and helping me out with him. He is an amazing angel himself.. smile.

We all went to Sea World yesterday afternoon when I got home from work. That was one of Ethan's birthday presents. Very long day. Ryan snapped a really good pic of Ethan petting the dolphins. Emma didnt want to…. and I dont much blame her. When they came up and opened their mouths for the treats, it was a bit daunting to see all those teeth. They didnt look so cute and dolphinie anymore.. heh.

Then of course they got to see Shamu (or 'shampoo' as Ethan calls her) - which…

Sometimes I sit down to write and realize I wrote that poem a week ago.. or two weeks ago.. or a month ago.. or six months ago. Its not a rut.. not even a broken record.. but a record is a good analogy.. it always seems to come back around.. maybe not on the VERY same track as last time but pretty goddamn close.

Good news! I got a call back this morning on the phone interview I did last week. I knew it went well.. smile. Ill get the job. :) Im going for an in-person interview.

Brewing and simmering… The stuff with Michael and Ethan is working out.. slowly. We’ve been going back and forth for a couple weeks now. Just working out the details. Here’s the skinny. Ethan is the ONLY reason I would consider coming back to Memphis.. and then, only if we were to move…

I wrote this at 1:10pm :

So are we all sufficiently convinced that everything must be fine and peachy in the life of Carrie today? It is.. aside from some minor.. perhaps not-so-minor concerns..

Top of my list has been healing and getting myself back together spiritually, emotionally and physically. I?m back in the gym and taking my vitamins again.. I lost more weight. I am now officially too small for the work clothes I bought in March. I?m working on some really basic daily cleansing and balancing stuff. The best way to heal a wound is to let it heal naturally and keep it clean, right? And I?m manipulating the fuck out of myself to find a more patient, balanced me.

The job search is still fruitless.. there is a REALLY good chance I got that job I interviewed for yesterday.. but I wont know till Monday and there…

Michael started moving his stuff out. I started packing. The house is starting to look bare. I am far from finished but I do feel like I got something accomplished. Tomorrow, Im gonna buy a bunch of Sunday papers and start wrapping glass stuff up. A good part of the stuff that needs to be packed is picture frames, candles, and candle holders.. that kinda stuff. I think this time around, I wanna get it done before hand. Since I’ve met Michael, every time we have moved, Ive still been packing the day of the move. Alot of this stuff I just wont unpack when we move it. I never use it or very rarely or would rather do without it than to unpack it and then repack it a few months later. We wont be in this place long enough to settle down anyways. God I hate that. I…