PonderEthereal

It’s funny how music can bring back memories. It all rushes back. Sounds, images, sensations.. like flavor of years. Beneath all of these layers of crap. Of the things that happened that shouldnt have and the things that you are that make me not want to - or unable to be near you. Of the things that were said and done.. there is this layer of memory. Real memory.. of a time when we loved each other. When we were kids. When we were young together and spent time together and cherished the time.

I thought I was rid of you. And maybe I am. But those memories, that closeness, that friendship. I miss it. It makes me sad to remember. There is a wall now that neither of us can or is willing to break through. This wall that puts us in quite a different place. Removes us from…

It's been an adjustment for us all.. Ethan and myself.. and Ryan and Emma. I think we're figuring it out pretty well. I cherish the time I get with my angel. He is so amazing. So much like me. smile.. And Ryan is awesome with him and helping me out with him. He is an amazing angel himself.. smile.

We all went to Sea World yesterday afternoon when I got home from work. That was one of Ethan's birthday presents. Very long day. Ryan snapped a really good pic of Ethan petting the dolphins. Emma didnt want to…. and I dont much blame her. When they came up and opened their mouths for the treats, it was a bit daunting to see all those teeth. They didnt look so cute and dolphinie anymore.. heh.

Then of course they got to see Shamu (or 'shampoo' as Ethan calls her) - which…

Sometimes I sit down to write and realize I wrote that poem a week ago.. or two weeks ago.. or a month ago.. or six months ago. Its not a rut.. not even a broken record.. but a record is a good analogy.. it always seems to come back around.. maybe not on the VERY same track as last time but pretty goddamn close.

Good news! I got a call back this morning on the phone interview I did last week. I knew it went well.. smile. Ill get the job. :) Im going for an in-person interview.

Brewing and simmering… The stuff with Michael and Ethan is working out.. slowly. We’ve been going back and forth for a couple weeks now. Just working out the details. Here’s the skinny. Ethan is the ONLY reason I would consider coming back to Memphis.. and then, only if we were to move…

I wrote this at 1:10pm :

So are we all sufficiently convinced that everything must be fine and peachy in the life of Carrie today? It is.. aside from some minor.. perhaps not-so-minor concerns..

Top of my list has been healing and getting myself back together spiritually, emotionally and physically. I?m back in the gym and taking my vitamins again.. I lost more weight. I am now officially too small for the work clothes I bought in March. I?m working on some really basic daily cleansing and balancing stuff. The best way to heal a wound is to let it heal naturally and keep it clean, right? And I?m manipulating the fuck out of myself to find a more patient, balanced me.

The job search is still fruitless.. there is a REALLY good chance I got that job I interviewed for yesterday.. but I wont know till Monday and there…

Michael started moving his stuff out. I started packing. The house is starting to look bare. I am far from finished but I do feel like I got something accomplished. Tomorrow, Im gonna buy a bunch of Sunday papers and start wrapping glass stuff up. A good part of the stuff that needs to be packed is picture frames, candles, and candle holders.. that kinda stuff. I think this time around, I wanna get it done before hand. Since I’ve met Michael, every time we have moved, Ive still been packing the day of the move. Alot of this stuff I just wont unpack when we move it. I never use it or very rarely or would rather do without it than to unpack it and then repack it a few months later. We wont be in this place long enough to settle down anyways. God I hate that. I…

I am stopping my diet this morning. I had forgotten that it takes alot mentally to sustain this diet. WIthout carbs, my body has to switch to fat burining mode - which takse some time. In the mean time, I have zero energy - which isnt good in the midst of everything that I need to deal with right now. I need to be able to think and take care of things that need to be taken care of. SOOOOOO. Im going to continue to cut out caffiene and junk food but Im not steering clear of all carbs just yet.

Last night, I went to Walmart and Target and Victoria’s Secret. That was the high point of my week.. heheh. I get to buy all new bed stuff and rearrange my bedroom this wekeend. On one hand, Im not looking forward to rearranging and Im a little unsure about how…