Ethan and his friend played happily all day after not seeing each other all summer.
Emma leaves in a few days and I feel secure knowing I can do this little bit to help take care of her once she’s gone.

One of my close long time friends and his wife had their baby today.
My great uncle died today.

Life is funny the way it plays out… coming in, going out… inhaling, exhaling.

Just breathe.

Would that I could count how many times I have been virtually stalked by another woman. It must be something in the way I eloquently weave words together that exhibit what an extraordinarily wonderful piece of ass I am.

Being stalked is fun. One feels wanted, needed, liked and popular.

And then one realizes that one cannot take a piss without said stalker jotting down notes on which direction one wiped and whether one wrapped the paper around your hand twice or three times. And then it becomes less fun and more like having sand caught in one’s puss.

Then so, one starts walking around the house naked more often with the blinds open - and one starts making one’s external blog posts private once again.

If you can’t see a post between “Change my middle name” and “Just a Healer”, you are either not logged in or are only seeing public posts. If you would like access to private posts, comment for access. It’s a case by case basis.

I am teaching my advanced students about baneful magick today. We will cover cursing, hexing or crossing, binding or confining, reversal or reflecting, and banishing. Not only will we discuss what they are but I will give them examples of how to do each as well as teach them how to protect themselves from it. They will stretch their wings and learn more on their own.

I taught my son about sex already. We talked about why people do it, what it’s like and what the dangers are as well as how he can protect himself when the time comes. He will never think it’s shameful or dirty.

Too often, people disbelieve and avoid because that’s the seemingly best course of action against something that you cannot or dont want to see and that scares the bejesus out of you. Like a child scrunching their eyes closed and plugging their ears screaming ‘Im not listening, I’m not listening”.

Avoiding fear should be avoided. In fact, whenever I have the chance, I like to stick my thumbs in my ears, wiggle my fingers and stick my tongue out at it.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
— Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I threw my head back and focused on the clouds. The breeze brushed over my skin and rustled the tree tops overhead and it was so wonderful that tears came to my eyes.

I’ve wanted to change my middle name for many years now. My first name has meaning, my last name has meaning.. my middle name is SO not me. I chose it’s replacement, Morgan, about 9 years ago and I’ve sat with it for that many years and still really dig it so that’s what I’m going with.

On a whim, I checked the numerology of all of my names (maiden, 2 married and now with the name change) one by one and it’s interesting how closely they match what was going on with me at that time in my life. If I were to shift the meanings around to different names, they wouldnt match that time of my life - so it’s not just a case of making them fit.

What is also interesting is that my first name, new middle name and my current last name still add up to a 1, which matches the number I was born with, which I think seems to jive with how it should be. But the soul urge and inner dreams numbers shift into something much more fitting than what I was born with.

And if you look at it from a neumerology standpoint, and if I don’t believe in fate or just dealing with what I was dealt, doesnt it make sense to CHANGE my numbers if I decide that what I was born with doesn’t work?

I think it’s also interesting that this is coming to a head just as I’m nearing initiation. :)

One of my teachers was in town this week and I got to spend a ton of time with him and, among other things, he told me about the Santeria priests of a particular Orisha (Oshun, maybe?) who are often tasked with healing others via sex and when the healing has occurred, the healed usually go on their way. So being a priest of this deity is kind of a double edged sword. In order to offer healing, the priest has to get close to whoever they are healing and almost inevitably, that person goes away.

Sometimes there are people who are pulled into my life for a reason and I’m so sure of it that I can almost taste it. There is something they need from me. And sometimes it takes lots of time for that reason to really show up and I puzzle over it for a long time… trying to decipher it, to translate it into a language that I can understand so that I can read the work order. :) When that reason is revealed, it’s like scratching a hard to reach itch. When that purpose is completed, it’s like a sudden sigh of relief and all sense of purpose is almost suddenly gone. I don’t heal with sex but I have to love them to give them what they need. There is no other way to do it. Then they go on their way and it’s heart wrenching every time. I can’t say ‘dont leave’ a million different ways and it’s always the same - because that’s how it works.

Part of this ah-hah moment came out of a sudden realization last week that I have a really severe abandonment complex. Maybe that complex exists because I perform this role naturally … or maybe the role comes out of the complex. Perhaps there can be some greater purpose in being an emotional masochist after all.

This is a case I’ve kept up with since it all went down. In the beginning, I was just a kid myself and although I didn’t think they did it, I don’t think I ever fathomed that they would actually be held in prison this long. Almost 15 years have passed and in the mean time, new videos were made, new books were written, new evidence surfaced. Finally, they will be out soon. I say that with my psychic hat on. :)

You can find out more about the West Memphis Three and their case at their site, http://www.wm3.org. Their next hearing is coming up next month.

There is a new Feri email list that is meant to be a place for Feri initiates and students of Feri initiates to get together and talk without nastiness. This one has been started by Puck, who is the father of the current StudentsofFeri list. The StudentsofFeri list is a really quality list with great conversation and without nastiness so I’m hoping for the same from this new list. Yay for no hiding behind political semantics! :)

Edited to say : minus some snark and irritation now.. hahaha

I traded massage for a session the other day. I got THE MOST AMAZING 3 hour Thai massage. She worked me up and down - twice. She’s kinda small to put so much oomph in it. Very thin and waifish. But I have massive sore spots everywhere, two days later. When she got done, I spent the rest of the day detoxing. I guzzled water like air and had a fever and felt woozy for a good 12 hours later. My skin, in some places, was hot to the touch - which makes sense, from an energetic standpoint. I’m not sure if there is a physical explanation for it.

I told her before we started about the posture thing I’ve been working on so she paid special attention to my hips. There were knots in places I didn’t even know I had hips.

I have this weird thing down the right side of my body that started when I was pregnant with Ethan. I THINK it originates from this perpetual knot on the right side of my spine next to my shoulder blade - which I THINK started with the tension of all of the extra weight both mental and physical. Anyways, I’ve been to chiropractors, which helped some. I used to get 15 minute massages once a week and he really would focus there and I would feel better for like a day. I think, overall, I just ignore it, really. I don’t feel it anymore, anyways. But she started finding where it affected my body and it literally tightens the length of my body from my toes up to the base of my skull on that side. It’s been so long since I’ve had it that all of the muscles in my body have adjusted to carry it - by tightening.

So… I’m going to go back to her for massages - she is, by far, the best masseuse ever. And I’m going to try hypnosis to convince my body to let go of it. I never even considered that.

I noticed a couple of weeks ago, when I started to walk across a parking lot that I had to build momentum before I stepped out - like an old lady. A gave it some thought and I realized that when I walk, I walk between my hips. My core, my middle is doing nothing. I don’t know how else to describe it other than for each step, I’m walking from hip to hip as opposed to walking from my center. Often, my feet scuff when I walk.. I’m a lazy walker. And then I thought about all the times that I’m standing in line. I rest on one hip and then switch to the other.

So I started standing up straight. Not just from the waist up - because I think that’s what most people think of when they are told to stand up straight - but I started pulling my center out of my hips. Literally as if I’m stretching my upper body up and away from my hips. That wasn’t easy at all for me to even do standing still. But I resolved that I was going to learn to do it. So I started walking that way when I walk the dog. I catch myself every few minutes resting on a hip while I wait for him to pee - and I stretch myself back up. Old habits die hard.

After one regular 10 minute walk, that otherwise was effortless (because I was being lazy), I was glistening from head to toe. On the second walk, I strained a muscle in my hip. By the third walk, my abs were starting to ache and I could feel it in the base of my ribcage and in my back. A week later, my tummy is flat. I’m not overweight but I’m no skinny ninny. I’ve had a pudge for several years now. The fact that I can put my hand on my hip and my fingers can wrap around the front is novel to me. It’s been 6 years since that was possible and that was only after 200 crunches a day.

I walk the dog that way - and I’m starting to walk that way more in my every day life. I GET now why walking is supposed to be exercise. You’re supposed to not be doing it all lazy-like. I started walking the dog 3 times a day back in February and didn’t see my weight budge at all. A week of doing this and although my weight hasn’t budged, I can see it in how my pants fit. And as much as I tried to stand and sit up straighter before, now, it’s so much easier. My upper body just falls into line when my lower body is sitting up straight. There is less popping and grinding in my back and my hips now. I can feel my back building muscle and my body learning to adjust. It feels like a breath of fresh air. It’s amazing what a change in posture can do.