Ethan and his friend played happily all day after not seeing each other all summer.
Emma leaves in a few days and I feel secure knowing I can do this little bit to help take care of her once she’s gone.

One of my close long time friends and his wife had their baby today.
My great uncle died today.

Life is funny the way it plays out… coming in, going out… inhaling, exhaling.

Just breathe.

Would that I could count how many times I have been virtually stalked by another woman. It must be something in the way I eloquently weave words together that exhibit what an extraordinarily wonderful piece of ass I am.

Being stalked is fun. One feels wanted, needed, liked and popular.

And then one realizes that one cannot take a piss without said stalker jotting down notes on which direction one wiped and whether one wrapped the paper around your hand twice or three times. And then it becomes less fun and more like having sand caught in one’s puss.

Then so, one starts walking around the house naked more often with the blinds open - and one starts making one’s external blog posts private once again.

If you can’t see a post between “Change my middle name” and “Just a Healer”, you are either not logged in or are only seeing public posts. If you would like access to private posts, comment for access. It’s a case by case basis.

I am teaching my advanced students about baneful magick today. We will cover cursing, hexing or crossing, binding or confining, reversal or reflecting, and banishing. Not only will we discuss what they are but I will give them examples of how to do each as well as teach them how to protect themselves from it. They will stretch their wings and learn more on their own.

I taught my son about sex already. We talked about why people do it, what it’s like and what the dangers are as well as how he can protect himself when the time comes. He will never think it’s shameful or dirty.

Too often, people disbelieve and avoid because that’s the seemingly best course of action against something that you cannot or dont want to see and that scares the bejesus out of you. Like a child scrunching their eyes closed and plugging their ears screaming ‘Im not listening, I’m not listening”.

Avoiding fear should be avoided. In fact, whenever I have the chance, I like to stick my thumbs in my ears, wiggle my fingers and stick my tongue out at it.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
— Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I threw my head back and focused on the clouds. The breeze brushed over my skin and rustled the tree tops overhead and it was so wonderful that tears came to my eyes.

I’ve wanted to change my middle name for many years now. My first name has meaning, my last name has meaning.. my middle name is SO not me. I chose it’s replacement, Morgan, about 9 years ago and I’ve sat with it for that many years and still really dig it so that’s what I’m going with.

On a whim, I checked the numerology of all of my names (maiden, 2 married and now with the name change) one by one and it’s interesting how closely they match what was going on with me at that time in my life. If I were to shift the meanings around to different names, they wouldnt match that time of my life - so it’s not just a case of making them fit.

What is also interesting is that my first name, new middle name and my current last name still add up to a 1, which matches the number I was born with, which I think seems to jive with how it should be. But the soul urge and inner dreams numbers shift into something much more fitting than what I was born with.

And if you look at it from a neumerology standpoint, and if I don’t believe in fate or just dealing with what I was dealt, doesnt it make sense to CHANGE my numbers if I decide that what I was born with doesn’t work?

I think it’s also interesting that this is coming to a head just as I’m nearing initiation. :)

One of my teachers was in town this week and I got to spend a ton of time with him and, among other things, he told me about the Santeria priests of a particular Orisha (Oshun, maybe?) who are often tasked with healing others via sex and when the healing has occurred, the healed usually go on their way. So being a priest of this deity is kind of a double edged sword. In order to offer healing, the priest has to get close to whoever they are healing and almost inevitably, that person goes away.

Sometimes there are people who are pulled into my life for a reason and I’m so sure of it that I can almost taste it. There is something they need from me. And sometimes it takes lots of time for that reason to really show up and I puzzle over it for a long time… trying to decipher it, to translate it into a language that I can understand so that I can read the work order. :) When that reason is revealed, it’s like scratching a hard to reach itch. When that purpose is completed, it’s like a sudden sigh of relief and all sense of purpose is almost suddenly gone. I don’t heal with sex but I have to love them to give them what they need. There is no other way to do it. Then they go on their way and it’s heart wrenching every time. I can’t say ‘dont leave’ a million different ways and it’s always the same - because that’s how it works.

Part of this ah-hah moment came out of a sudden realization last week that I have a really severe abandonment complex. Maybe that complex exists because I perform this role naturally … or maybe the role comes out of the complex. Perhaps there can be some greater purpose in being an emotional masochist after all.

This is a case I’ve kept up with since it all went down. In the beginning, I was just a kid myself and although I didn’t think they did it, I don’t think I ever fathomed that they would actually be held in prison this long. Almost 15 years have passed and in the mean time, new videos were made, new books were written, new evidence surfaced. Finally, they will be out soon. I say that with my psychic hat on. :)

You can find out more about the West Memphis Three and their case at their site, http://www.wm3.org. Their next hearing is coming up next month.

There is a new Feri email list that is meant to be a place for Feri initiates and students of Feri initiates to get together and talk without nastiness. This one has been started by Puck, who is the father of the current StudentsofFeri list. The StudentsofFeri list is a really quality list with great conversation and without nastiness so I’m hoping for the same from this new list. Yay for no hiding behind political semantics! :)

Edited to say : minus some snark and irritation now.. hahaha

I traded massage for a session the other day. I got THE MOST AMAZING 3 hour Thai massage. She worked me up and down - twice. She’s kinda small to put so much oomph in it. Very thin and waifish. But I have massive sore spots everywhere, two days later. When she got done, I spent the rest of the day detoxing. I guzzled water like air and had a fever and felt woozy for a good 12 hours later. My skin, in some places, was hot to the touch - which makes sense, from an energetic standpoint. I’m not sure if there is a physical explanation for it.

I told her before we started about the posture thing I’ve been working on so she paid special attention to my hips. There were knots in places I didn’t even know I had hips.

I have this weird thing down the right side of my body that started when I was pregnant with Ethan. I THINK it originates from this perpetual knot on the right side of my spine next to my shoulder blade - which I THINK started with the tension of all of the extra weight both mental and physical. Anyways, I’ve been to chiropractors, which helped some. I used to get 15 minute massages once a week and he really would focus there and I would feel better for like a day. I think, overall, I just ignore it, really. I don’t feel it anymore, anyways. But she started finding where it affected my body and it literally tightens the length of my body from my toes up to the base of my skull on that side. It’s been so long since I’ve had it that all of the muscles in my body have adjusted to carry it - by tightening.

So… I’m going to go back to her for massages - she is, by far, the best masseuse ever. And I’m going to try hypnosis to convince my body to let go of it. I never even considered that.

I noticed a couple of weeks ago, when I started to walk across a parking lot that I had to build momentum before I stepped out - like an old lady. A gave it some thought and I realized that when I walk, I walk between my hips. My core, my middle is doing nothing. I don’t know how else to describe it other than for each step, I’m walking from hip to hip as opposed to walking from my center. Often, my feet scuff when I walk.. I’m a lazy walker. And then I thought about all the times that I’m standing in line. I rest on one hip and then switch to the other.

So I started standing up straight. Not just from the waist up - because I think that’s what most people think of when they are told to stand up straight - but I started pulling my center out of my hips. Literally as if I’m stretching my upper body up and away from my hips. That wasn’t easy at all for me to even do standing still. But I resolved that I was going to learn to do it. So I started walking that way when I walk the dog. I catch myself every few minutes resting on a hip while I wait for him to pee - and I stretch myself back up. Old habits die hard.

After one regular 10 minute walk, that otherwise was effortless (because I was being lazy), I was glistening from head to toe. On the second walk, I strained a muscle in my hip. By the third walk, my abs were starting to ache and I could feel it in the base of my ribcage and in my back. A week later, my tummy is flat. I’m not overweight but I’m no skinny ninny. I’ve had a pudge for several years now. The fact that I can put my hand on my hip and my fingers can wrap around the front is novel to me. It’s been 6 years since that was possible and that was only after 200 crunches a day.

I walk the dog that way - and I’m starting to walk that way more in my every day life. I GET now why walking is supposed to be exercise. You’re supposed to not be doing it all lazy-like. I started walking the dog 3 times a day back in February and didn’t see my weight budge at all. A week of doing this and although my weight hasn’t budged, I can see it in how my pants fit. And as much as I tried to stand and sit up straighter before, now, it’s so much easier. My upper body just falls into line when my lower body is sitting up straight. There is less popping and grinding in my back and my hips now. I can feel my back building muscle and my body learning to adjust. It feels like a breath of fresh air. It’s amazing what a change in posture can do.

It occurred to me today that my life has changed such that I give a lot to other people now without feeling drained by it. It used to be that I was really stingy with my time and energy because I always felt ‘put upon’. I loved to give and I loved to take care of others - but I just didnt have enough to go around so I would moan and groan about it. But with a few years of resetting boundaries and with some energetic maintenance, energy is is ready supply these days. Now, being tired is not so much about being drained as it is just about resting my mind and body and sleep.

Being Reiki or being Kala is about being open and unbound and allowing the universe, or blue fire, or life energy to just flow through. Where it flows, everything thrives. It is the essence of life.

How can I take back my power without giving other people theirs back? I can’t unilaterally keep the beliefs that I have a right to keep all of my power and that other people do not have that right. Isn’t their right to keep their power as important as mine? How can I keep my power if one of my sources of power is taking it from others? Then it was never mine to begin with. I can’t expect to keep something that isn’t mine.

I used to be REALLY emotionally explosive. I would cry and get angry all the time and rather than just crying or being angry, I would explode with it. I fixed that with a few years of work, just on principal alone. But what I see now is that the OTHER thing that I was getting out of that explosiveness was ‘forcing’ that person to give me their power so that I felt better. So no… I don’t blow up and try to wrench their power from their hands anymore. Thank gods those issues are gone. But when I squelched those emotional issues, the issue of needing power remained (unseen). So I found subtler ways to do it. And now I see it and I don’t want to do it. Learning not to is an uphill climb. There is fear in learning not to. There is fear down to the depths of me. If I dont have their power, who am I? Existential crisis, much?

Giving other people their power back is something I’ve consciously learned slowly. I learned to do it in business. Then I learned to do it in friendships. Then I learned to do it in community. I learned that when I gave them their power back, my own power flowed through me so easily and lifted me up to places I could have never dreamed while clinging to the power of others. I feel better today, where I am in my life, than I have ever felt before. Now I’m learning to do it in relationships and parenting. Both of which, I think, are the most difficult to learn. I’ve learned how to be selfish about wanting their power for so long that it’s become habit. I need to open up those gates and let power flow freely through them and let them come alive.

It’s about ‘being reiki’. It’s about ‘being kala’. It’s about ‘being fully in pride, self and power. It’s about simply being the natural being we, as humans are meant to be. Fully connected and empowered as divinity. I see this mystery unfolding before me that I never even noticed there before. Thus is the nature of mysteries, I guess.

Fear is normal because it tells us that there is possible danger ahead. Some fears are worth running from because there is nothing constructive or productive in what they are warning us about. Some fears are worth facing because they warn us about staying away from boundaries we don’t need anymore. I’m afraid to relinquish power. But I don’t think that fear would have surfaced if I weren’t ready to truly grasp the rest of mine. The prospect is exciting. It’s exhilarating that I reached this place. It’s like discovering that I’m ready to be gifted with ability and status far beyond what I had before. But there is a WHOLE lot of fear and re-learning to make it through. I’m sure when I get there, it will no longer feel like a gift - and more like a hard earned position.

I have a choice - am I up for this? If not, I can pass.

Psha. I don’t know HOW to run, remember? :)

There is a pillow in the chair. There is a sticky note on the television. I tipped the cute waiter $5 on an $8 ticket because he smiled real sweet and asked me if I was SUUUURE there was nothing he could do for me. I saw fate play it’s self out in retrospect. My freezer isn’t working. Neither is my lawn mower. Or my sprinklers. I got nuthin’ but time and all my needs are provided for before they can become needs. Jai ma!

Gossamer strands growing
fainter with breezes blown
by each new day passing
one by one, falling and
detaching and sending
me reeling away from
the things I thought I nee-
ded. Every day, one
after the next makes it
simpler and easier
to see me without it.
Ironic in some ways,
I guess that it would be
that I knew it coming
that sent it all running.
No really, I’ve said. Now
this time, I mean it. They
echo away through the
past like lost voices a-
cross a great chasm of
need that I never no
never could ever imagine
to fill nor will one but
ever but fathom it.
Passing it off like a
pattern and pesky but
nothing no nothing to
write home about it.
I mirror what you say,
you say what I mirror.
But the sum difference
is fear in its rawest.
Fear of the growl of the
chasm, the depth of it,
fear of the surety
knowing it’s waiting there.
Never no never back
into the dragons den
pressing and pushing it
making it try again.

Travel has never really been a part of ‘things I enjoy’. The whole idea of being away from home, potentially staying in hotels or not knowing where I am or what’s around… it all scares me. In fact, I’ve always said I would want to see Tibet and Greece - but I always ‘knew’ I never would because the idea of travel is so daunting.

Travel has always been a struggle for me. I have such odd issues with spacial balance that if I can’t come back to a space where everything is where I expect it to be, I grow very restless and moody very quickly. Being clean is a weird one too. I don’t like showering in showers that I didn’t clean. My shower at home can get grubby between cleanings - but at least I know where that grub has been! :) Every time I travel, it’s almost as if there is a constant expectation that at any moment, I will take my inner child home where she can be comfortable and the longer the trip draws out, the more impatient she gets. I think that’s usually called homesickness.

But not so much anymore, I guess. I’m feeling the urge to travel more, lately. Like maybe in the past 6 months or so.

I set an appointment to get a passport. I don’t know that foreign travel is on the agenda for quite some time - but I like the idea of having the freedom to do so when the time comes. I bought a GPS. I am taking day trips more often. I have fun just driving somewhere, enjoying it and then coming home. There is so much just within a few hours of here! And very quietly, in the back of my mind, I’ve been planning a trip back east. I want to see a bunch of friends and family that I haven’t seen in years. They are scattered about the South East. I don’t know yet if it will be a road trip or if I’ll fly. With gas prices, it might just be easier and cheaper to fly most of the way and then get a car and drive to the places I want to go. Either way though, I’m really interested in having the experience.

I think this is an evolution of me. In lots of ways, I do get stuck as being a kid. I do have odd sensory imbalances that do put me behind the curve developmentally, even still. It’s an interesting ’sensation’ to realize that I’m growing up in one aspect or another. I think most people are usually too young to appreciate that sensation when it happens. And not just ‘growing’ … we all do that all the time.. but achieving basic milestones that most people never even consider because they are natural and normal.

Sometimes the only way to Truth is over other people’s toes. People should learn to keep their toes out of potential walkways.

A new line of Feri has been discovered. It’s formally, the Itookaworkshopus Ferius a part of the genus IRAB Pagan (Ireadabookus Paganus), close cousin of the llewiccan (Ivereadlotsofllewwellenbookus Wiccanus). It voraciously consumes workshops, books, emails and similarly named paths while seeming to be repulsed by long distance training. It flourishes in places where there are no initiates. Curiously, when the light of Feri is shown on an ITAW Feri, the ITAW Feri seems to disappear completely.

Edited to say : It has been brought to my attention that this species of feri is also closely related to the IAFWYTIAON (pronounced eye-af-why-she-on) Feri, formally Imaferiuswhetheryouthinkiamornotus ferius. In fact, IAFWYTIAON Feri are often mistaken for ITAW Feri. The main difference is that the IAFWYTIAON species typically self initiates in a forest by themselves where no one else can possibly know what the goddess hirself did or didn’t do.

Also edited to say : As my research broadens, I am being introduced further to the species of Fraudnerians and AlexandraNots, which seem to be also cousins of the ITAW Feri.

I’ve done lots of readings for lots of people over the last year. Tonight was the first time that a person asked me ‘what can I do to change that?’. It was refreshing.

I bought a dozen crickets for the turtle a few weeks ago and released them into his enclosure outside. Tonight, I can hear them singing outside the window. It’s been a long time since I heard crickets singing at night. It wasn’t until I heard them that I realized that we must not have them here and what a comforting sound it is.

I have discovered over the last few weeks that I am horribly predictable in my physical ‘type’ when it comes to guys. Like… SO horribly predictable that I think every guy I’ve ever been attracted to could potentially be related.

There are a few exceptions.. but even when I think about those exceptions, I can think of a point of time when the thing that doesn’t match did match. It’s like an accrual method of features. So without further ado, If you have the following, I would like to have your children. (hah.. j/k) Light eyes, brown hair, shaved head, facial hair of some sort - usually scruffy, somewhere between 5′9″ and 6′5″, not overweight but no hard bodies here, tattoos and piercings a plus.

Rawr.

The issue that the movie industry is facing is that people are downloading and trading movies for free. The industry is having more and more difficulty supporting it’s self because fewer people are buying movies and instead are just downloading them.

Howard Stern made a good point today that movies sometimes cost millions to make and if they stop being able to recoup that money through ticket sales and/or dvd sales, they will stop making the good movies because the money to make them won’t be there.

I disagree that the fault is all the downloaders’ though.

First of all, some actors make millions of dollars per movie. Producers, writers etc… they get a pretty hefty pay check out of a lot of these movies too. That’s not to mention all of the fringe businesses who get paid VERY well to take care of all of these posh people. All of that goes into the ‘cost of the movie’. And although I dont begrudge them their money, in what universe would it be reasonable to expect that the entire economy of a country can go down the tubes and an actor/producer/whoever will still make millions of dollars per movie?

Second of all, god and every middle man available on a movie set is being paid for some tiny job that someone else probably could have gotten off of their ass and done themselves. When most businesses start to see failing revenues, they cut these middle men out and do it themselves. Apparently in the universe where the movie industry is immune to the economy, that doesnt make sense.

Movies are luxury items. They are not gasoline or food or utilities, all of which a whole lot of America can barely pay for anymore. I wait till I can rent them to see them because I can’t afford to go see every freakin’ movie that comes out. Gas costs over $4 a gallon now, for gods’ sake and I’m one of the lucky ones who has an income. I would much rather have a shiny new dvd than a download - but if it’s inaccessible, that isnt an option.

If the economy cannot support the product you make, you will have to find a way to make it cheaper. Businesses do it ALL THE TIME. People moaned and groaned as the airlines cut back on cost and in the process got rid of meals and extra baggage - BUT THEY DED IT. Yes, maybe the whole downloading thing started before the economy went into the toilet. But people wouldnt have started doing that if it were worth the cost to go see it in the theater or buy the dvd. They didnt start uploading and downloading because they were lazy. They did it because paying $20 to see the movie or buy it on dvd didn’t seem worth it. And now that the economy IS in the toilet, I would imagine it’s more so.

It really is a few simple business decisions. Other businesses do it all the time and the movie industry doesnt seem to be catching up.

• People work really intense jobs all day every day for hundreds of hours a week for less than a million dollars a year - much less, a million dollars for a few weeks work… get real with the salaries.
• Decide what you can get people to pay for this movie - knowing that it probably won’t be $20 because people OBVIOUSLY arent willing to pay that. Then, instead of letting your artistic muckity muck whoever decide what company will do your special effects, make him answer to the budget - which has already decided what you can POSSIBLY get people to pay for the fucking movie.
• Be pickier about what movies you will make… it’s safe to say we don’t need any more M. Night Shyamalan movies. In fact, ask for a refund for the last 3.

No one wants to see movies go away and no one wants to pay what you’re asking for it so you can either go suck an egg and quit making them or you can make them more accessible. Newsflash Hollywood : You arent immune from the economy. Downloading won’t stop. Every time you try to stop it, someone will find a way around it. If you want people to buy it, make it cheaper.

I woke up this morning.

I set rules for myself as I was opening my eyes. I must eat SOMETHING at least 3x a day. I must drink water. I must minimize screen time. I must be in bed by 11.

I walked the dog - briskly.

I smudged the house.

I did yoga and moved my body.

I fed Melek Taus and Cerridwen.

I vacuumed.

I feel like I can breathe now. How Ironic that the illness that has been afflicting me for the last week has been affecting my ability to breathe. All of my reiki and witchcraft students - all together now : DUH, bitch.

I see myself through the eyes of one person or another and I have to remind myself that the only perspective on me that matters is mine.

Today is the end of my work week. On Thursdays, I only work by appointment and I take Fridays off. I had appointments all day today and I am SO exhausted. I’m looking forward to having a day off. I don’t think I’ll even do housework. I will lay about and read and watch television and be generally slothful. :)

I think that Feri does lots of work on amping up the personal power of the practitioner and teaching them how to channel that energy - and not enough of teaching practical coping methods - like how to communicate effectively with all of that power running through them. So there are a whole bunch of people with tons of personal power and no clue how to wield it in regards to others. And don’t tell me to run more kala or run the IP a little more - otherwise, you might find your head stuck in that wall behind you.

I ran across an old friend on facebook last night who I havent talked to since I was 15 and who I was horribly eager to find. That feels nice.

I think I’m going to homeschool Ethan. Having made that decision feels good. I am waiting for his father’s input but I feel really positive about it and I’m actually excited to be able to offer that opportunity for him.

There are lots of reasons that drunk dialing is a bad idea. One big one would be that calling people in the middle of the night to tell them you love them is not generally a widely smiled-upon practice. Especially people who you have never told that you love them. Especially people who it is not ok to love.

The other thing is that calling random people to say you just want to fuck is generally not a wise idea. Because ya never know what they will want for breakfast the next morning and what if you’re out of milk?

I’m just sayin’.

There is a great event going on on July 12th in Carlsbad to benefit a local autistic boy. He’s going to go to an intensive program for two weeks and the proceeds from this event help fund his trip. I can send you the details of the event - but basically, they are going to auction off these great chairs decorated by local artists. There will be good music and good food. Here is the chair I decorated :

So.. today, I turned 30 years old. This morning around 7AM something. I made a valiant effort to stay up till then because god knows I’m not WAKING UP that early - but I failed… by about two hours.

I stayed up researching me family tree. There is something alluring in knowing who is behind me. Birth, is, in essence, an initiation in which we receive a little bit of everyone who has come before in our current and I can get immersed in learning about these people. I don’t know why it’s so captivating for me, the person who has no family - or perhaps that is exactly it.

I had the most amazing birthday dinner with a few friends. I’ve had people get together for my birthday once. It was when I was 19 and it was a keg party for me and three other guys who had birthdays around the same time. We had strippers. This was a slightly different, less nude, less drunken affair. We talked about Japanese culture and ate REALLY GOOD (amazing) sushi. There was a moment when I was brought almost to tears by the fact that I have such wonderful friends around me. And as I type this, I have to wipe a tear off of my cheek as it very dramatically rolls downward.

I came home and opened presents and ate a microwave chocolate molten cake that is like WAY too sinful to be sold in a box in the grocery store. And then I just breathed. I am… SO blessed. Truly. I am humbled each and every time someone sees me for what I am. It is a gift every time. Tonight, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

Bubbles swirling, steam curling up to a sky that holds stars somewhere behind the clouds. I feel fragmented, faceted, crashing apart to observe with detachment and make reassurances. Talk it out, put it back where it all came from. Put up on display, point out pieces with tags and descriptions, pegged to the process like flies or like frogs, graded for accuracy. It means so much to others, means something to someone, observing, just watching, what if I stand like this, can you see it, believe it, look at it from perspective. Finding meaning, please share cuz perhaps it will make sense and maybe this time I can hold it together.

Or maybe next time I’ll just dismantle unthinking… unthinking, dismantling.

Ethan is gone to his dad’s for the summer. That leaves me. This is the first time I have EVER lived alone. When I moved out, I had roommates… then I got married. When I divorced Michael, I had Ethan. I think that if I didn’t have the dog, I’d go insane. Seriously. It’s way quiet.

There shall be unwinding and unfurling and lots of me time. And more spare time because the house stays clean, the garbage doesn’t fill as quickly and the dishes don’t need to be done as often.

A: Well, first the question must be posed - which may only be done by he with the most nerve. The question must receive both a snarky comment and a scientifically based hypothesis by He Who Obviously Is the Most Scholarly. Then there must be at least one response to the effect of ‘whatever works for you’. Once the obligatory responses have been calculated, there must be a debate. The most hotly debated points must be dissected for semantic meaning. There must be at least two apologies for being misunderstood and it must be chalked up to ‘this damned technological medium’. The sum is the answer.

I took Ethan out tonight. First we went to see Kung Foo Panda. No… first, I made us peanut butter and jellies and THEN we went to see Kung Foo Panda. We screeched in just in time to miss the previews and found seats right on the isle. The movie was definitely a giggler. In fact, it was more fun going to watch it when kids were in there because something would happen on the screen and every kid in the place would start laughing with those cute little belly laughs until they were about to pee in their pants. We left arm in arm laughing about the pinky move.

As we laughed our way out onto the sidewalk, we saw a new Japanese restaurant right outside the theater. I said without thinking ‘we could go eat Japanese’ and so he pulled me in and we were seated. I ordered a scallop roll and Ethan ordered… well.. ramen noodles. Surprise, surprise. Only. It wasn’t the Americanized, over processed, non veggie havin’ Ramen noodles he was expecting. It had like.. you know.. green stuff in it.. and real meat. So we fed each other with chopsticks. I teased him about the tasty looking green lump of wasabi and ‘oh, wouldn’t he like to try it’ and he was kind enough to drop my next bite of chicken right on top of it. We laughed about how Japanese people might eat soup with chopsticks and about how he might very well starve to death if he were ever stranded in Japan.

He got up to go to the bathroom and the (very HOT) waitress came over and said “I know this will sound weird… but I saw you with your son and I think that you are great with him.” And I said thank you and I smiled all the way back to the car, arm and arm with my boy. Who then climbed into the back seat and fell asleep on the way home.

We got home and Tobi was waiting at the door wagging his whole body. He couldnt wait till I crouched down so that he could sniff and lick me till he was satisfied that I hadn’t lost any pieces on that long trip away from home. I sat down on the couch and child and dog climbed into my lap and we sat there for a minute before I realized that child was in my lap and not in bed and it was almost an hour an a half after his bed time.

He goes to his dad’s in a week and while part of me is excited to finally have the house to myself and total non-mom-me time for like two months, part of me will miss him a whole lot and I know that I’ll be ready for him to come home at the end of the summer.

… has been booming. I’ve been my own biggest supporter - with some of my personal community coming in at a close second. Although most of me knew that given complete license to do it my way, I would be a success, there was always the part of me that did the negative self talk - mimicking what negative people around me would say. So, to me, seeing success is kinda a ‘told you so’ moment. So I’d like to take this moment to waggle my tongue at them.

On the other hand, it’s really perspective shifting to finally be in a place where things are happening well. This year will hold SO much for me. I know that deep down. In a year from now, this will be a drop in the bucket. There is a sense of peace at finally being full steam ahead toward making those goals a reality. Of being on the right path.

There’s still lots of work between hither and yon and I haven’t fully ‘arrived’ yet. But it feels good to be on the doorstep.

This birthday is the only birthday in my life that my age and the day of my birthday will be the same.

Business took off with an amazing explosion and I’m busier than ever, if that’s possible. It really just means I have a bigger backlog. I’m getting someone to help me a few hours a week.

I took Tobi to get groomed yesterday and he is so freakin’ adorable. He has a whole lot less hair and he’s very fuzzy and soft. He looks so different that Ethan spent yesterday convincing himself that it was the same dog. I’m not sure he’s entirely convinced yet.

I got the best reading I’ve had in years from one of my students the other day. Hopefully, I’ll get to blog about it at some point.

My mother will be here in a week.

Ethan goes to his dad’s for the summer in a week. I will have the house to MYSELF. Which kinda freaks me out because I’m scared of the dark.

I had the WORST day yesterday. Everything I touched went badly. EVERYTHING. But… I figure it’s good to get all the bad stuff out in such little ways.

This creates a nice, rustic, translucent stain and a light seal for about 3 bucks. That 3 bucks is quite a few uses or quite a bit of coverage.

You Need :
Umber Artist’s Pigment (You could really use any color - but artist’s pigment has richer color than plain ole acrylic paint) - get this in the acrylic paint section of your local craft store… it’s about a dollar.
Water Based Sealer - again, find it in your craft store’s acrylic paint section
Water

Squirt a dollop of artist’s pigment into the bowl. I used about a tablespoon. Put about a half cup of water in the bowl and mix. Squirt a few tablespoons of sealer in and mix. It should be very watery.

When you paint it on, it soaks into the wood creating the look of naturally dark or old wood. It will be lighter when it dries. Use extra coats to make it darker.

Pics of the finish and the difference in the finished and unfinished wood below the cut.
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Gnarls Barkley

I’ve seen it with my own eyes
How we’re gettin’ otherwise
Without the luxury of leavin’
The touch and feeling of free is
Untangible technically
Something you’ve got to believe in
Connect the cause and effect
One foot in front of the next
This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.

And you can stand right there if you want
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
To a place in the sun that’s nice and warm
I’m going on
And I’m sure they’ll have a place for you too oohoohoo

Anyone that needs what they want, and doesn’t want what they need
I want nothing to do with
And to do what I want
And to do what I please
Is first of my to-do list
But every once in a while I think about her smile
One of the few things I do miss
But baby I‘ve to go
Baby I’ve got to know
Baby I’ve got to prove it

And I’ll see you when you get there
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
May my love lift you up to the place you belong
I’m going on
And I promise I’ll be waiting for you oohoohoo

Small pink packages of escape wrapped in plastic and maybe they wasted away. Small black stone wrapped in pink and suddenly theres smiling a reference to think. Small pink ribbons make loops that wrap up the fears of girls left to die. When small stains on pink become catastrophes, who’s left to think after these moments of fear.

Opening my mailbox, pulling out a heap of mail and finding that 99% of it is junk irritates me to no end. A few years ago, I requested that the credit agencies stop giving out my information. There was a decrease in mail but I was still getting stuff like Penny Saver, which my mailman told me there was no way to stop! :/ All I do is throw that stuff away and I have to imagine that hundreds of thousands of other households do the same thing. What a waste! All of that paper, printing, electricity and man hours for something like that to just be tossed.

And all of that doesn’t even mention the fact that mailing lists are a prime hunting ground for identity thieves. Hell, even opening your mailbox and digging through it in ONE DAY could give someone enough information about you to potentially open credit in your name.

Today, I found ProQuo. This site asks for your info and then gives you the option to unsubscribe from just about everything you can think of. Some of them, it can unsubscribe you from on the spot. For the ones that require a mailed request, it even gives you a form letter to sign and mail in. It sure beats digging around for individual addresses and ways to unsubscribe.

It’s free and comes highly recommended from other trustworthy organizations : http://www.proquo.com. It’s not a gtd tool really… but it was a HUGE help in getting my mailbox and personal information organized.

I was gathering quite the Pile o’ Crap on my desk. The filing tray… it was overflowing. There was stuff in my ‘to file’ pile that had been there easily a year and a half.

As I dug through it, I found lots of stuff left over from the partnership dissolution with Gertrude. I kept everything that ever happened so that I had proof and she was kind enough to indulge me by putting every vile thought she ever had into writing. She even left a nice handwritten ‘note’ when she stole something of mine. Genius, I tell ya. I digress. As I unearthed this stuff, it was really eye opening to see how absolutely nasty she was. When going through it, in the thick of it, I knew is was vile. But the only thing I COULRyan do was to continue to breathe and to continue to move on and to try to push it behind me as quickly as she dished it. But now, after the fact, to look at it in her own handwriting, it’s all I can do to imagine how the hell I ever survived in that place. The nastiness is so thick and gross and just so… perfectly VILE. Just one of these notes is enough to make me want to sucker punch her for being so blatantly disrespectful, rude and just flat out ABUSIVE. And to think that I just swallowed it and swallowed it. Sometimes I underestimate my resilience.

My mom is coming to visit in June. I think if you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you’ve read volumes about that whole thing so I will not rehash. I have seen her twice since I was 15. And there is a reason for that. There will not be marching bands and parades for her arrival. In fact, I’m only really comfortable committing to an afternoon with her. I spoke on the phone to a friend who said that she is able to overlook her mom’s issues because one day, her mom won’t be there and she wants to cherish the time that she has. And I think, really, if my mom died tomorrow, my mom would die tomorrow. It’s that simple.

There are people who think that life is too short to hold grudges and so you should just make up with everyone. I think they have totally got it all wrong. Life is too short to allow people to abuse you. If someone has been abusive towards you, it is SMART to cut it off with them. That doesn’t mean you have to hate them. I don’t hate either of these nuts. And I don’t waste moments of my precious life thinking about it. When it’s done, it’s done. But you won’t see me making amends “because life is short”. If anything, life is too short to let either one ever come near my life again. That’s not a grudge talking. It’s me not being a dumb ass and letting an abuser back into my life. I truly have no ill wishes for either one. As long as they stay away from me and mine.

People I would love to find if they ever google their old names.

Jennifer Malone

Memphis - got married again a few years back and I don’t have her last name.

Star Graham

Asheville - got married lots of years ago and I don’t have her last name

PS : This post is intentionally badly formated and glaring because the bots.. they like it that way.

PPS : What is it with women having to give up their freakin last names?

Witchcraft Class

It’s time! About every six months the beginning intensive class that I teach starts over. It is starting over the first Sunday in June and meets every Sunday from 3:30-5:30. There is an intermediate and advanced level as well and the whole series lasts about a year. If you are interested, comment, email or call and I will give you all the details. This is NOT an easy, fluffy, Wicca, nice, white magick class. It will take a lot of work on the part of the student.

Etheric Arts Class

Learn the basics of psychic arts, healing arts and mediumship in a fun, hands on environment with other people who are just as interested in learning it. There is a 101 series and a 102 series that meet on Wednesday nights and all together, it lasts about 6 months. Come to one class or the whole thing. Each week is a different topic. If you are interested, comment, email or call and I’ll send you the info.

Because there is nothing better for me to be doing at 9:54 in the PM than hanging out in the spray paint isle of my local Walmart. And let me just say that it does make a statement about a neighborhood when there is a line for service at the spray paint counter after 9 PM on a Saturday night. AND? It’s a little bit like walking through Night of The Living Dead this late at night. Everything that cannot sleep, does not own clothing that fits and has really bad skin descends upon Walmart, apparently right around 9:54 or shortly before. I obviously missed the memo and as soon as I could fight my way out from behind the 3 gangsters who were in front of me in the spray paint line, I skedaddled. But not before I played a really fun game of Spot the Rave Kiddies!

Our first contestant in Spot the Rave Kiddies is a 30 something lady in a quiet sweat suit and slippers who has patiently waited in line and who is purchasing toilet paper, Windex and a chocolate bar.

Our second contestant in Spot the Rave Kiddies is a cute family of four who look like they are stocking up on paper products for the month. The baby sticks his whole fist into his chubby mouth with a slobbery grin.

Our third contestant is a mild enough looking young couple. They are purchasing 5 12 hour glow sticks, 2 Red Bulls, an Amp… erm… a Vicks inhaler. Orbit gum. And A PACIFIER. The guy pulls out a wad of cash and digs through it THREE TIMES to find the right amount because the numbers. They are dancing. While his girlfriend’s pie plate sized pupils gaze pointedly around looking for the whatever might be lurking that might KNOW. All the while, looking COMPLETELY, PAINFULLY, CONSPICUOUSLY attempting to look inconspicuous.

I understand that this is probably no big deal for you. But please, do not feel pressured to make small talk with me while you do your thang. Nothing says shut the fuck up like you sticking a long robotic arm thing up my twat. And while I understand that it is probably quite intriguing that I am a Spiritual Counselor and oh, I’m so young, if there was ever a time that I do NOT feel the least bit spiritual or like a counselor, it is whilst you are ’swooping’, as you call it, in order to get a real time shot of my left ovary. And that left ovary, btw, IS ATTACHED. SO. STOP. WITH. THE. SWOOPING.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Carrie

Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine Aston

To make a really ridiculously obvious correction to the TITLE of the freakin’ book before I even begin, the syndrome is correctly spelled Asperger’s Syndrome, with an apostrophe. Not ‘Aspergers’. It just goes downhill from there. I would link to the book but really - don’t buy it. Borrow it and then don’t even ‘forget’ to give it back. No really… return it to the owner when you’re done.

I am an adult female with Asperger’s Syndrome. When my relationship started demonstrating obvious issues with communication, I wanted to get a good idea of how the Asperger’s Syndrome might be affecting it. This book was recommended, so I picked it up. On the positive, the book is packed with information and ideas on where a relationship might break down. As other reviews have said, it IS thought provoking and insightful.

However, that said, I was actually quite disappointed with the book. The book is not critical of the AS individual but the tone of the writing stops just shy of that and most of all, this book doesn’t seem applicable at all to a relationship between an AS female and anyone NT or otherwise.

There is a tone that NT people sometimes take when referring to the behavior of a person with AS. It’s a mixture of the condescending ‘poor AS person, they don’t know how to feel properly’ and a bit of clinical detachment. I was dismayed to find the author writing with that tone. So while the NT reading it might feel like they’ve found a source that gives voice to what they are experiencing, it (ironically) does little to foster actual empathy with the AS person and their actions. As a woman with AS, who was looking for valuable input, I was really put off by it.

I made it through most of the book with a really puzzled look on my face looking for that one paragraph that would make me able to relate - REALLY relate to the AS traits she describes. And then I got to the ONE chapter about AS Women in the back of the book - and EUREKA! I was able to relate to this chapter! At the beginning of this chapter about AS Women, there is a tiny explanation about how writing the book using the words ‘AS Male’ simply made the book more comprehensible. But really? Because I could relate to so much of that one chapter and so little of the rest of the book, I wonder, truly, how much of the rest of the book even applies to a majority of women with AS. And while, perhaps AS women just wasn’t the focus of the book, it’s billed as a book about being in a relationship with AS individuals in general - and it’s not. It’s actually a book about relationships between an AS Male and an NT Female with a footnote about AS Women.

…hurts. I think I cut it accidentally while I was doing a crafty thing. But for some reason, I keep forgetting to put a band aid on it.

I asked myself why I beat myself up. Don’t I get enough of that from other people?

When I rock or flap or get stuck like a broken record when I can’t think myself out of a groove, I still feel like a retard. I don’t like that word. It’s so mean. But I feel that low thing that the word means.

I watched Juno and it made me cry. I think sometimes that I watch movies that give me an excuse to cry and then I bawl. But not really because of the movie.

I feel like I mutter under my breath with my actions sometimes. Like I’m extroverted and then oops.. didn’t mean that. I don’t know what I was thinking… just a thing, I think. A mistake. Yeah.. a mistake. I didn’t mean to do that.. nope. Didn’t mean to do that.

A student told me today that I had seemed out of it last night. And I immediately straightened up and put a big smile on and laughed along. Yeah.. must have just been under the weather… ha ha. I took a gulp of green tea.

None of this has anything to do with my finger really. I think my finger was just an excuse to say that I feel very strange in my skin right now. I read a book on Asperger’s Syndrome in relationships written by a woman who thinks we are alien and weird. And now I feel alien and weird and I didn’t mean to feel that way. I intend to write a scathing review.

Last night was a really tough night of lots of soul searching and True Path Healing. Putting the pieces together of past trauma is never easy… especially when it’s yourself trying to do it. But I did come to a few really important conclusions - one of which was about drug use.

My drug of choice for a couple of years was acid. I did enough acid to last anyone a lifetime. I heard once that if you do 10 hits of acid, you are considered legally insane. Whether it’s true or not, I would do that easily in a weekend - every week… for over a year. And yes, there were other things mixed in.. but it was the acid that had the most impact.

When I started using acid, I was in a pivotal point of my life. I had just realized that everything I thought I knew wasn’t necessarily so. I had discovered that I was walking down a long blind hallway of relationships that there was something wrong with. A close friend said he could get acid so he, me and another close friend all dropped for the first time. And so it was that me and my issues intersected with acid.
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There is a flavor to the air when it’s late like this. It’s silent out and every responsible upstanding person is in bed early enough to be useful tomorrow at work and school. And I’m going out to get a burger because I’m craving beef. Trance droning on and on. Barely any cars out on the road. I meet one at the four way and it’s an odd camaraderie type thing.. like “wtf are you doing out, dude. Aren’t you supposed to be in bed by now? Oh.. yeah.. I guess, me too. Catch ya later.” Or something.

The flavor comes… the late night, no one is out, sprinklers have been on, trance is droning flavor. It’s a grossness that eeks up over my shoulders and makes me want to wince. Even though I was cleaning up after teaching a witchcraft class - not wiping mascara from under my tired eyes. And even though I was going for a burger, not fervently studying every red light as if maybe I misinterpreted it. Even though the trance is from a radio station I listen to even during the day - not a softer gentler version of what was pounding through my body while doing very bad things. I still feel guilt. I feel like after my burger, I need to come home and take a shower because driving to get that burger was a very, very bad thing to be doing. Not because it was… but because I was driving at night when no one is out, when the air is still misty from the sprinklers and I was listening to trance. That’s it. That’s all it took to send me spiraling back to not-so-great moments.
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There need not be an argument. You, Misses Frou Frou Pagan Witchypants are FAR more witchy than I am. Where you probably drink directly from the springs of the mountains, I get plain old city water out of a faucet. You probably live in a tipi of animal skins on the bare earth - while I live in the comparative lowliness of a home in the suburbs. You - probably shoot your dinner with bows and arrows and cook it over the element of FIRE in a pot of the element of WATER and give thanks to the EARTH for the bounty of the seasons… whereas I ordered pizza tonight.

Yes, you, Misses Frou Frou Pagan Witchypants are FAR more witchy than I - as well as, apparently, everyone in my Feri family too. Because We? We do not prance upon the earth in barest of feet being witchy often enough.

I would offer you a cookie but it would dim in relative witchiness to you. I would touch you but I might sizzle in the element of fire that you, Misses Frou Frou Pagan Witchypants, probably dance in before bed every night.

As I’m preparing to photograph a bunch of stuff for etsy and ebay, I found that I needed to put together a photo booth that gives a little better results. My first step was to build diffusing screens to soften the light in order to get rid of glare and some of the shadows.

Get this stuff :

• A frame. I made my frame out of sturdy cardboard. It could easily be made out of balsa wood, plywood, hardboard or similar. You could also use a picture frame without any glass in it (crafting stores carry them) or an embroidery hoop depending upon what size you need/want. The screen should be AT LEAST big enough to completely cover the light source. Bigger is better. You’re going to put heavy staples through/in it so it needs to be able to hold up to that.
• Thin, translucent white fabric. Any kind of gauzy, silky type fabric works. It should actually have some substance to it… no netting or lacy stuff. It should be strong enough to hold up to staples without tearing. If you put black print behind it, you should ALMOST be able to make out the letters but not quite. Muslin or satin is too opaque.
• A staple gun and lots of staples.

Then do this :

1. Lay the front of your frame face down on top of the fabric. Pull the fabric up over the first edge (doesnt matter which one) and staple it all the way down that side.
2. Turn the frame so that you’re working on the opposite side as the first side. Pull the fabric as taunt as possible. It wont be really tight until the other two opposing sides are done so no worries yet. Staple that edge securely.
3. Turn the frame to one of the unfinished edges. Beginning at the edges and moving your way into the center of that side, pull the fabric over inch by inch as tightly as possible and staple it. Leave the corners alone for now.
4. Turn the frame to the last remaining side. Pull the fabric over as tightly as possible and staple it.
5. Go back to the corners and pull them as tightly as possible and put as many staples into it as necessary.

If it’s not perfectly tight and straight, don’t worry about it. You’ll put the finished screen between your light and the object to get a more diffuse lighting situation rather than having glare on the object. I have a screen for each of two lights that point into the ‘booth’ from different angles.

Pics below the cut.

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Unlike Voyant, this recipe will not yield a cream liqueur. This recipe makes a strongly flavored, sweet vanilla chai liqueur that is meant to be mixed with cream and/or other liquors. Great as a warm drink - nuke a half mug of milk and add liqueur. Great served over ice with cream or over ice cream.

You Need :
400ml of vodka (entire completed recipe yields 750ml)
4t of chai tea mix (I use Carriosities)
2 cups of sugar
2T vanilla extract
1 cup water

1. If you’re using a bagged tea, break the bags open to measure. Pour the herb and tea leaf mixture directly into the vodka.
2. Allow it to soak for 10-12 hours. Shake it up every few hours.
3. Filter out the solids by pouring it through a strainer or coffee filter.
4. Bring the water to a boil and then add the sugar and vanilla
5. When the sugar is completely dissolved, remove it from heat and allow it to cool completely.
6. Add it to the vodka mixture (to taste) and shake

My 30th birthday is less than two months away. I know, I know.. I whine on about it. BUT I CANT HELP IT. I’LL. BE. 30.

Today, I pulled up to Starbucks and I had to wait for this guy to close his car door. He was a cute 20ish frat boy type with a shit eatin’ grin, dirty blond hair and dimples. Hot, actually. He was getting his school books out of his back seat. He looked up and saw me waiting.. and then did a double take and smiled and bent WAY over before he stood up and looked again. Taking his SWEET time like I must be enjoying it. And all I could think was ‘Get out of my way, kid. I need to park my car’. Have I really gone that far into old ladydom? 5 years ago… erm.. 10 years ago, I would have given my left arm for a kid like that to look at me like that. Gods.. 10 years ago.

I think, this year, my mental age has finally progressed past 19… but not by much. Maybe somewhere between 22 and 25. Is it unbecoming for me to act so young? Who says I have to grow up? Will I ever stop being so goddamned wound up over how the numbers just don’t fit? Am I going to be one of those pathetic moms who always says it’s her 29th birthday and everyone kinda rolls their eyes and laughs at the cliche?

I’m clinging to my 20s. I feel like the next two months are a slipper