PonderEthereal

I am looking through old posts for a particular subject entirely unrelated to my relationship with Ryan and I keep running across these posts where I’m crying about something he did or said.

It’s easy, in retrospect, to look back and say ‘if he was so abusive, why did I stay’. It was NOT easy, in the moment to separate my feelings of love for him from the way I should react to how he was behaving towards me. That is the nature of an abusive relationship. If the abused always ran away, ‘it would be no fun’, as Ryan told me. In plain english. In black and white. And I STILL didn’t listen.

There is nothing unpredictable about Ryan. How he acted 2, 4, 6 years ago is the same way he was acting the day we split (excepting a particular domestic violence incident). The sad, angry, frustrated entries from 2…

I have discovered over the last few weeks that I am horribly predictable in my physical ‘type’ when it comes to guys. Like… SO horribly predictable that I think every guy I’ve ever been attracted to could potentially be related.

There are a few exceptions.. but even when I think about those exceptions, I can think of a point of time when the thing that doesn’t match did match. It’s like an accrual method of features. So without further ado, If you have the following, I would like to have your children. (hah.. j/k) Light eyes, brown hair, shaved head, facial hair of some sort - usually scruffy, somewhere between 5′9″ and 6′5″, not overweight but no hard bodies here, tattoos and piercings a plus.

Rawr.

Sometimes, I find myself wanting to ask someone “Oh, you think you made a bad choice in partners, huh? What ever gave it away? The fact that they can’t hold down a job or the fact that they are addicted to every substance known to man?” And although I wouldn’t necessarily recommend running a background check, there is something to be said for doing some ground work and really figuring out who this person is before you agree to anything beyond a few trysts. Here are a few things that should be HUGE warning flags in a budding romance.

• Messed up credit report - every body messes up. But by messed up credit, I mean, has a few major dings or a regular occurance of minor dings - so much so that they can’t get a car on their own (if income weren’t an issue). And I guess it kinda depends upon…

Look what I got!!!!

Elemirion has departed (I think). I spent Friday with him to help him pack and upon seeing the Feri signal high in the sky yesterday afternoon, I packed up the man child to head down South again to help them pack the truck. Although I’m not exactly a muscle woman and wasn’t hefting anything super heavy, I can’t imagine how the storage unit could have been unpacked on time without that extra cart or two. It was great seeing Mikey again and Ethan took to Elemirion right away. We even got to meet up with Sexxyred1 and Starchild for dinner.

So, Ethan did in fact get off the plane in LA on Saturday. I checked in and got to his gate and a beaming man behind the counter told me he would be pulling in to gate 24 but that the flight wasn’t there yet. So I went to go get…

After all of the anger and hostility from the ‘other side’ of the high school drama, today, someone emailed to say she understood and apologized. She emailed everyone in the class to say that someone had explained to her what they had been through in high school and that she understood - so much so that it almost made her cry because it was just so heartbreaking to see it. I cried when I read her email. Not just a tear or two. I cried from deep down inside from a place that was so relieved to see the light of day. I wandered into my altar space and fell down in front of Spirit and sobbed until I couldn’t anymore. And then I Willed as much blessing and healing upon that woman as she could stand in one day. Heal her for having lived through the experience of knowing…

Ryan went, on lunch, and got me 5 dove bars. FIVE!

Me: “Aw.. thank, you baby.. I love you.”
*smooching commences*
*pause*
Me: “I don’t really, of course… I’m just in it for the chocolate.”
Him: “I know that… but I’m ok with that because you suck a mean dick.”

Chocolate and cock sucking props all in one trip. He knows how to make a girl swoon, that one.

Did you know, that in California, you can have a friend of family member commissioned as a Deputy Commissioner of Marriages for the day of your wedding? It costs $35-$50 and takes a couple of weeks to process and get all the paperwork back.. but then that person can legally marry you. Check the website for the county clerk’s office for your county. If you can’t find it, call them and they can give you the info.

Also, California recognizes the ordainations of the Universal Life Church. Some states don’t. California does. That means that your friend or relative can go be ordained online for free - and perform your marriage. The newly ordained minister does not need to register with California to perform the marriage. Here is more information on California and marraige laws.

And just so you know… once you turn the completed license in, it takes ten days…

So I’m sitting at my desk with my NoHoHon nodding happily atop my monitor and my lunch before me. Today, I’m having chicken florentine, an apple, graham crackers and shredded collard greens with zesty italian dressing. For a snack today, I shall have Triscuits with a sliver of Gouda. Yum. I can do this! It’s filling and it lasts energy-wise. Last night, I got the shakes over chocolate. that blew. But I exercised yesterday.. like actual get-my-ass-in-gear-cardio and today is toning day. I will get back on track health-wise, damnit. No dumpy middle aged woman here. Nope.

D’s parents have decided on Thanksgiving at their house this year. I’ve never been to their house.. so that will be new and interesting. And my mom and my step dad have been invited. That will be interesting too. My mom and I talk a couple times a week through email and phone - but…

Sometimes I sit down to write and realize I wrote that poem a week ago.. or two weeks ago.. or a month ago.. or six months ago. Its not a rut.. not even a broken record.. but a record is a good analogy.. it always seems to come back around.. maybe not on the VERY same track as last time but pretty goddamn close.

Good news! I got a call back this morning on the phone interview I did last week. I knew it went well.. smile. Ill get the job. :) Im going for an in-person interview.

Brewing and simmering… The stuff with Michael and Ethan is working out.. slowly. We’ve been going back and forth for a couple weeks now. Just working out the details. Here’s the skinny. Ethan is the ONLY reason I would consider coming back to Memphis.. and then, only if we were to move…