Karmic Konsumer

I took Ethan to Ulta to shop for me for mother’s day. He was SO excited that he decided to give me my stuff tonight. And hey, who am I to argue? One of the things he got me was the Silk-épil SoftPerfection which I had pointed out to him on the first pass through the store.

I figured it this way … my poor legs itch like hell every time I shave so I wind up not shaving as often as I’d like. This isn’t a shaver so there are no blades to scrape my poor skin. It’s literally plucking the hair out so hopefully, that means longer between de-hairing. And also, the more you pluck, the lighter and less dense the hair in that area becomes. Supposedly. So.. I pointed it out and he got it and I squealed when i opened it and told him what an awesome kid he is.

Then I tried it. Could I just say OHMYFUCKINGGAWDOUCH. Who’s goddamned idea IS this torturous device anyways? It HED to have been a man. Notice, Braun sure the FUCK doesn’t make an epilation devise for men! Some man somewhere had the brilliant idea of a a turbo-plucker, wrapped in in really pretty pink dainty, harmless looking plastic. I had the purest of intentions all wide eyed and girlish hoping for nothing more than silky smooth legs and WHAMO! I ran smack into his horrible contraption. You literally run it up your leg like a shaver except it PLUCKS every single goddamned hair out as you run it up your leg. FAST. Like all at once, leaving a trail of fucking FIRE behind it.

The first pass brought tears to my eyes and that was with the ‘massaging’, gentle attachment. They meant gentle like a thousand fingers massaging you all over.. BEFORE YANKING OUT ONE LEG HAIR EACH. Go pluck just ONE of your leg hairs. Try one on your inner thigh just for good measure. They recommend using the ‘more direct’ attachment for your underarms and “bikini line”… bwahahahaha..

hahahahahahah… they said hahahah… bikini line….. hahahahaha

This fucker isn’t coming anywhere NEAR my “bikini line” in this lifetime.