Karmic Konsumer

I started with a box turtle and two older cats. In January, I adopted an older dog from the shelter. In September, I became a foster mommy to the sweetest 4 week old kitten (if that). She is so dark brown, she’s black and she has the prettiest light brown eyes. I just couldn’t give her up. But she’s a hellian. Then, in November, my ex ditched his two ferrets with me. And although they are not hellians, they poop a lot and one has adrenal disease. Not exactly the perfectly easy pet one hopes for.

Ethan wants a fish - and I was considering a large dog, for protection, in lieu of a gun. But then I thought to myself… “Self, you run a zoo and it drives you nuts as it is. What the hell are you thinking?” And then I realized that I was a breath away from ditching them all here and moving to Tahiti by myself. Time to take back the home. So, I did some taking back.

This part will address the kitten. The next part will address the ferrets.

The problem with the kitten is just the typical kitten problem behaviors that need to be trained… like scratching furniture, getting up on counters and tables and attacking every human body part that moves with claws and teeth flying. So I pulled out the big guns. Franky, my 11 year old cat looked on smugly. He knew the hell that was about to come down around the innocent ball of claws and teeth. He’s seen this one before.

Cats are not untrainable. You just have to find the right motivators and demotivators. Water and sticky stuff are great demotivators. Fun moving stuff is a great motivator.

It goes without saying that any home with a kitten should have plenty of safe scratching surfaces. Cats love both cardboard
and sisal scratching surfaces. Of course, the sisal surfaces are more durable and if you use the cardboard ones, you’ll want to make sure it is easily replaceable.

However, kittens should NOT be scratching up the furniture. So, I pulled out the Sticky Paws for Furniture. They are essentially double sided tape strips made to be easily used. You stick them to the corners of your furniture and suddenly, your furniture is no longer quite as attractive to little kitten claws. In fact, all of the scratching noises have suddenly… stopped.

Being on the counters and hard surfaces in my home is a no-no. This kitten was bottle fed for a while and sometimes, the prep for the bottle occurred on the counter with her in hand. So she picked it up as a bad habit. When tsking the kitten no longer works, I resort to a 3 pack of squirt bottles. Twist the nozzle to the super soaker setting and you can nail a kitten on the kitchen counter from across the room. Seeming to strike from nowhere… it’s kitten momma ninja! Keep one in each room for quick, consistent squirting. Once or twice is all it takes for a good, solid lesson learned.

And of course, it should also go without saying, that kittens need LOTS of toys. Rolling, bouncy, sparkly, ringing, shaking toys. That doesnt mean your house has to be a cat zoo! It’s possible to still stay organized. We have a small basket for toys. When the house gets too cluttered and I’m going too insane over picking cat toys out from between my toes, all of the toys go into the basket. The kitten can get them out when she wants them… or is able to tip the whole basket over, depending upon her mood.

However, no matter how many toys this little angel has, nothing is quite so alluring as the movement of human body parts. The feet, as they walk past, the hands in the midst of conversation, the fingers as they type, the legs as they shift. And so, there are times when it is difficult to unvelcro the cat from my appendages at inopportune times. My roommate started carrying a toy around to toss in the other direction. I found the laser pointer. Not only is this an hours of fun for the cat for years and years to come, because they never do figure out that it’s really just a light and not a mysterious small red disappearing mouse, it is a wonderful diversion. Here’s how it works.

1. Keep it by your side with the squirt bottle.
2. Play with the kitty, everything is fun.
3. Go back to work.
4. Kitty pounces on hand.
5. Catch kitty’s attention with laser pointer.
6. Move it off into the distance.
7. Kitty follows.
8. Turn it off.
9. Go back to work.
10. Kitten, mystified, stares at spot where it disappeared until your hands are entirely forgotten.

So, here I am today, three days later, with a perfectly behaved kitten, feeling like I’m enjoying her angelic side rather than loathing her demonic side.