Beyond the Surface

My ‘g’ key wasn’t working on my keyboard. I figured that If I’m going to be writing about gods, having a ‘g’ key might be beneficial. At first I used a bookmark that had a g in it and I copied the g from the URL and pasted it where it needed to be. But since my ctrl keys weren’t working either, I couldnt use the keyboard shortcut for paste and I actually had to right click and paste. I finally gave up and begged for a keyboard from IT who gave me the key to the systems closet to get a new one. MUAHAHAHAHA. From inside that room, I could rule the WORLD. Or at least my company. At least until the system out-geeked me. Which wouldn’t be long.

Enough about my ‘g’ key. That’s the guaifenesin talking, really. No… what I really wanted to talk about wasn’t so much my g key as it was, God. With a capital G.

I was raised in what I term a ‘hardcore’ Christian home. Fast forward to the moment I discovered that Christianity was based upon a book that a whole lot of old men cobbled together from random bits of texts and translated by a whole lot of old men who may or may not know the language but were under a whole lot of pressure to come up with something that would suit the church at large - not to mention the King at the time. And then add to that that the church can’t even agree on any one interpretation - so much so that there are entire denominations of people who broke off on their own over disputed thees and thous. My ‘faith’ was a wee bit shaken.

I started out on my own. It’s hard to break Christian conditioning. You are taught that if you dare think outside the church, you will go to hell. So you don’t, at the risk of eternal damnation. But as my son put it ‘why would god do that when he spent so much time on us?’. Even though I didnt’ buy it, thinking outside that very well fortified box is a very uncomfortable process. And maybe it wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, but the only way I knew how to break it was to deny it altogether - along with the judgmental, omnipotent god that went along with it. It is my opinion that if I’m going to have ‘faith’ in something and that if there really is a ‘god’ as powerful as the Christian church proclaims, that he shouldn’t be bothered by little ole me seeking out that relationship for myself.

So, for many years, I shaped my own view of what I believed god was. I even went through a phase of trying on athieism. The bottom line was that I believed in god because I had experienced god first hand and I wanted to know that god better. I eventually landed on a very comfortable agnostic all-gods-are-really-sides-of-one-god-but-I-can’t-describe-that-one-god-so-I’ll-just-say-there-is-’something-there’ pov.

Feri approaches divinity is a very different way than most paths. They encourage very personal relationships with the sides of divinity. About a year and a half into Feri, I met my first god personally on my own. He was the Dian Y Glas. Then I met my first goddess. She was Cerridwen. In experiencing both of these gods, although I noted very distinct personalities and spiritual signatures, part of me still associated them with the ‘one’ and honestly, was a wee bit resentful that here on this path of meeting and communing with divinty, I was still relegated with working with ’sub gods’ rather than The One.

In Feri lore, the Star Goddess is The One. We met her here or there but in very different contexts than the personal relationship I struck up with Cerridwen and the Dian Y Glas. She was just so …. ‘big’, for lack of a way to put it. Imagine attempting to communicate with a whale while in the depths of the sea. That’s a bit what it was like. She communicates… but in a language that resonates far deeper than human language and it’s a bit like being blasted with every sound in the universe all at once so I was only able to take away tiny bits of ‘feeling’ from those interactions.

Fast forward again to Feri 101 with Anaar at Pantheacon. She said something that struck a cord with me. She spoke of being ’self possessed’ and then she said the prayer ‘Who is this flower above me and what is the work of this god? I will know myself in all my parts.’ and it just - clicked. The black heart, self possession, the prayer. Somehow, the way she said it in the combination that she said it just made it suddenly fall into place for me. It was like I had been handed the key to God Herself.

Now, I have to admit publicly, that although we did the prayer in class and it seemed like everyone else in the class got it, I never really liked it much. It didn’t make sense. A fucking ‘flower”? What about me is flower-like? There is no flower above me! ;) But as I walked back to my room, half dazed, the prayer kept repeating and I began to stroke the flower above me and fall in love with her. I just barely made it to my room and gave some reassurance to my roommate that I was ok and not hurt or sad before I came apart. Tears flowed freely and I think I babbled on and heaved and gasped with it all. It must have been a sight to behold. But what happened on the inside was so beautiful and so powerful. Just thinking of the experience now is making me tear up.

I met with Her as an equal. I stood in her presence. She filled me rather than encompassing me. She showed me life and love. She is life and love. She is the flower above me - but I am the flower above me. Being self possessed is opening up, stepping into the black heart and opening, bringing self so into perfect alignment that stepping into god self is effortless and natural.

I remember thinking ‘I am so humbled’. ‘I am so humbled’. Not because she requires or demands humble but because she is beauty, she is life, she is love. She is life that is SO beautiful. So perfect. So pure. There was nothing to feel BUT humbled when seeing the full spectrum of the intricacies of life and how she is the very fabric of it. She is the rise and fall of the hills around me. She is the kernel of common truth in my coworker’s eye. She is the baby’s laugh. She is the deepest, darkest tears. She is the depths of the ocean. She is the space between the stars.

I explained later that it was so easy. It was right there in front of me the whole time. This key. It was just a matter of reaching out to grab it. No amount of searching would have helped. I had to see it for what it was. “… the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.”

Having this encounter with her, my change in perspective has been so natural and so pure. These people, they only want love and acceptance. I have no reason not to have every one of my desires. I was thinking just last night that there was an instant change from negative self talk to positive self talk. This shift of talking down to myself and defeating myself to reassuring myself and supporting myself. How could I not? I am so beautiful and amazing. I am so fragile and so responsible for caring for myself. I am so responsible for taking care of her. She is so fragile in her greatness. Her purity is all at once fragile and immovable. My Truth is this fragile by solid immovable force. My Truth is my Work.

THIS is what I came to Feri for. THIS is what I started searching for 13 years ago. THIS is coming home. This is wholeness and wellness is truely walking in Spirit and in God. Oh, the healing I can do. Oh, the amazing things I can accomplish. Just touching her is enough to fuel my dreams, my life, my purpose, my Work. She is the Work of this god. There is no other possible Work. “… all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.” because love and pleasure ARE life, ARE her. Any denial of love and pleasure from a true black heart are a denial of life, are an anathema.

And just so it’s been said, I’ve never really liked the Charge of the Goddess either for much the same reason. It smacked of words that sounded grand and had no real meaning or use. Once you fill in the blanks with Her though, it all makes perfect sense and I see how there was never any other way to say it. She has been with me from the beginning, and She is That which is attained at the end of desire.