PonderEthereal

I had one last night.. and I totally went off the deep end at Ryan.

I am SO scared.. I let myself be happy again and now she's coming back in town. I dont want to hurt like that again. Im on a hair trigger.. and then a small unrelated thing happens and I imagine that I am hurt again and I fly to protect myself.

I dont excuse my behavior. I should control my anxiety.. I just havent had 'anxiety' in months.. and it took me by suprise. It happened before I realized what was happening.. thats the nature of anxiety.

He isnt very understanding though.. he has zero sympathy and very little patience. Seeing as how he's the one that fucked me up, Id think he'd give me just a little leeway while I try to deal with this. He told me last night that when I was confronted with 'just a little discomfort I blew up'… just a little discomfort.. he obviously has NO IDEA what Im going thru. A little discomfort isnt even in the same ball park.

It damages our friendship when I act like that. I know that. On the positive side, used to when that happened, he'd be bitter for days.. for weeks on end. Its a cycle, see.. he made me very afraid and I started getting anxious.. then every little thing I was bitter about.. all the time.. which pushed him away.. so he told me less and we were further apart.. which made me more anxious and bitter.. blah blah blah.. but this morning, everything was ok.. it's fixable. It was such relief that it will be ok.