Beyond the Surface

Last night was a really tough night of lots of soul searching and True Path Healing. Putting the pieces together of past trauma is never easy… especially when it’s yourself trying to do it. But I did come to a few really important conclusions - one of which was about drug use.

My drug of choice for a couple of years was acid. I did enough acid to last anyone a lifetime. I heard once that if you do 10 hits of acid, you are considered legally insane. Whether it’s true or not, I would do that easily in a weekend - every week… for over a year. And yes, there were other things mixed in.. but it was the acid that had the most impact.

When I started using acid, I was in a pivotal point of my life. I had just realized that everything I thought I knew wasn’t necessarily so. I had discovered that I was walking down a long blind hallway of relationships that there was something wrong with. A close friend said he could get acid so he, me and another close friend all dropped for the first time. And so it was that me and my issues intersected with acid.

Acid is a pretty amazing drug. In and of it’s self, it opens doors that otherwise may never open… not just to possibilities, but to the past. Acid laid open my childhood and my past, which, at the time was 19 years of history. A 19 year old is kinda a young thing. A baby. They are just getting a taste of the world and they are supposed to do stupid things and learn from them. When you put that life under the microscope of the bare vision of acid, you see just how stupid you’re being. It makes a 19 year old grow up kinda fast in a not so pleasant way. And when you unfold 19 years of chaos and turmoil in a matter of months and lay it out for a 19 year old mind to figure out… it’s just too much.

And as if that weren’t enough to pile on one 19 year old kid, it helped propel me a good 10 years down a magickal path in the space of about 2. I had realization upon realization and pieces fell into place for me that would carry me spiritually until long after the drugs were a thing of the past. At the tender age of 22, I was priesting my own teaching coven and summoning demons with the greatest of ease. By 23, I had a path laid out for me that has only just begun unfolding that will take me to apocalyptic places. Truly. And it was at age 23 that I went through an unintentional self initiation of amazing proportions that crumbled my life and sent me spiraling down a path that has landed me here. It was painful as all initiations that are worth their salt are. And I wouldnt trade a lick of it for anything in the world…

I wasn’t equipped to deal with what I saw. And quite frankly, I didn’t realize what was happening until… um …now. 10 years later. Had I realized how much each and every trip was unwrapping.. TRULY realized, I might have used more restraint. Looking back now, I see it. I started dealing with it the only way I could… with baby steps. I’ve dealt with most of what came up now… finally. Now. 10 years later. It was all legitimate stuff. I have exorcised demon after demon after demon. Demons that have their own demons, even. The end result is that I have a cleaner more polished me and I’m able to see more clearly - and, according to my work with counseling, I’m about 15 to 20 years ahead of where I ’should be’ with life experience.

I don’t give acid ALL the credit for that. The experiences were already there, it just helped me unfold them. And for the first time ever, it was clear last night, the chaos that it caused in my life to go through them that way. Had I taken one hit, waited a few months and taken another, it might not have been so traumatic. And maybe I was MEANT to go through what I went through. All is as it should be. But it WAS traumatic because it was too much too fast.

There are other perspectives to this story. There is the story of my first marriage, of becoming a mother, of dealing with my childhood, of my trip to the AS dx, of my trip to my second marriage, of my trip through anxiety. Each of those journeys shaped the end result and this same story could and has been told from those perspectives and each of those stories has as much influence as the acid story. But acid did too.

And so… that is why I will use strong words of caution about psychedelics from this point forward. Not because they are bad or because they will ruin your life. But because they are good. They aren’t toys and shouldn’t be. Whether you mean to or not, you will open about 4 doors down the road that you weren’t meant to make it to yet and may never have without them. The tear holes in the fabric of your reality as you know it. They take you into the abyss where everything and nothing is possible all at once. With less Will or not enough attention to balance, it can, very well be crazy making. And perhaps that’s where that idea came from that 10 hits makes someone legally insane. And once you’ve done it, you can never go back.