PonderEthereal

So much has been on my mind lately.. and I havent let steam off to anyone. I went thru this phase about a year ago.. where I realized that every fucking thing I said came back to bite me in the ass. So if it was passionate or angry.. I just started keeping my mouth shut. And somehow, that turned into a much quieter me that is more likely to keep things inside.

And it shouldnt be. I am a passionate person and I am hurt easily and I’m VERY sensitive to so many things.. keeping all of that inside makes me lonely and alienated. I’m stressed to all hell.

I’m stressed about money. I’m upside down on a monthly basis since I quit my second job. Part of me is happy to have the time and energy to be involved in my family again and to start my own business. I know those things are essential to our family life and to my life personally. Another part of me feels very guilty for not pulling my weight bill-wise.

I hate depending upon Ryan. He just dumped another $500 into my car yesterday. BUT.. the flip side of that is I’m cleaning up his credit reports (would have cost him 600 to get that done), starting his business for him (would have cost 800 just to have someone do that) and putting his website up and maintaining it (would have been somewhere between 800-1000 for what he wants along with monthly fees for maintenance and hosting).. which equals, if not outdoes all the money he’s put into me. So I dont feel SOOO bad.

I’m stressed about debt. I’ve spent this week maneuvering again. Transferring from one to another to get the lowest interest rate in the hopes I can pay it off in my lifetime.

I’m stressed about Ethan. I want to be a good mom.. and sometimes I feel like I’m not. I am. But I feel like I’m not sometimes. But I’m an overachiever. I know this. I know that I’m a perfectionist and that perfection isnt realistic.

I’m stressed about my business. I do this tug of war thing between rush rush rush to get things done because I need the money.. and reminding myself that it’s only been a month and I’ve gotten further than most businesses would in 3 months.

I’m stressed about health. I’ve been gaining weight like crazy (10 pounds in a month), my knees are acting up, my back is acting up and my memory and concentration level has plumeted because of my diet. I need to get back on track.. but that requires more time and energy to actually cook a healthy meal and bring a meal to work. I need to exercise more regularly - again, time and energy.

I’m doing it all.. I’m making progress in every front. BUT.. its killing my brain.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG… sometimes I wish life would just.. leave me a lone for a little while.