Beyond the Surface

My brain is coming back together, it feels like. I’m a long way from ‘done’ with these issues and I’m sure it will restructure and shuffle around some more before they are done. I don’t think it’s pure coincidence that we started into water purification two weeks ago. I just absolutely can’t wait to bust that demon out. YES! (I know sarcasm is sometimes difficult to read. Let me assure you, that was entirely sarcastic.)

To hear me talk about it, it must sound like my life is a mess.. it sounds that way to me. But my life isnt. I still have a great family and a lovely home and friends and love and enough money . I’m holding it together on the outside. It’s one of the benefits of AS, I think.. the ability to be emotionally detached. Well. Sometimes it’s a benefit.. like now. It allows me to get up in the morning and to go to work and to come home at night and play with the kids and no one is any wiser to what’s going on in my head.

What IS going on in my head is that I cleansed emotional blockages and asked my Self to reconnect emotional points that were misfiring - and to allow me to see myself as a whole. It’s like pressure washing my emotions. All of the stuff that is washed off just kinda floats around in my head before being drained off and the connections that have been cleaned are so bare and vulnerable.

Aside from the cleansing of water, I did another mediation the other night that was sort of like delving INTO my water. A journey of exploration of sorts. It was step one of being able to see myself and the meditation it’s self came to me during an invocation of Cerridwen.

Anyways.. so here is the meditation :

- I used an altar that is set up for the Peacock Lord and for Cerridwen. I don’t know that what is on the altar is signifigant to this.
- Light a charcole and sprinkle incense on it. I used Dragon’s blood which isnt symbolic of water so much as it is my own incense of choice.
- light a blue candle - must be dark blue.
- Cast a quick and dirty circle - no need to walk the circle but I find it beneficial to use some of the liturgy
- Lie down or sit comfortably
- Close your eyes and see the blue candle in your mind’s eye. move toward the blue candle and into it. You will find yourself engulfed in folds of dark. Move through them. Images will come. They will be flashes or essences.. very brief. You will probably know the difference between a wandering mind and consequential information although even a wandering mind can be triggered in that direction by something consequential. Do your best to weed out the wandering mind and focus on the consequential bits of information, no matter how small or seemingly insignifigant.

The ‘images’ will be of emotional signifigance and might not be a recognizable scene from your life. They might be sounds or colors… whatever your mind uses to most easily communicate with you. Take the time to feel the emotions that come with the images. I found it necessary to take time to comfort and reassure myself after several of them. When you feel you have experienced an image entirely, move forward again, knowing that you are moving deeper.

When I was ready to come out, I simply opened my eyes where I was… although that left me in that ‘place in my mind’ for the duration. I felt it necessary to stay there in order to deepen the exploration - but it has deepened the depression as well. Your milage may vary. An acceptable exit might be to trace your steps back and leave the candle before opening your eyes.