PonderEthereal

I was gathering quite the Pile o’ Crap on my desk. The filing tray… it was overflowing. There was stuff in my ‘to file’ pile that had been there easily a year and a half.

As I dug through it, I found lots of stuff left over from the partnership dissolution with Gertrude. I kept everything that ever happened so that I had proof and she was kind enough to indulge me by putting every vile thought she ever had into writing. She even left a nice handwritten ‘note’ when she stole something of mine. Genius, I tell ya. I digress. As I unearthed this stuff, it was really eye opening to see how absolutely nasty she was. When going through it, in the thick of it, I knew is was vile. But the only thing I COULRyan do was to continue to breathe and to continue to move on and to try to push it behind me as quickly as she dished it. But now, after the fact, to look at it in her own handwriting, it’s all I can do to imagine how the hell I ever survived in that place. The nastiness is so thick and gross and just so… perfectly VILE. Just one of these notes is enough to make me want to sucker punch her for being so blatantly disrespectful, rude and just flat out ABUSIVE. And to think that I just swallowed it and swallowed it. Sometimes I underestimate my resilience.

My mom is coming to visit in June. I think if you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you’ve read volumes about that whole thing so I will not rehash. I have seen her twice since I was 15. And there is a reason for that. There will not be marching bands and parades for her arrival. In fact, I’m only really comfortable committing to an afternoon with her. I spoke on the phone to a friend who said that she is able to overlook her mom’s issues because one day, her mom won’t be there and she wants to cherish the time that she has. And I think, really, if my mom died tomorrow, my mom would die tomorrow. It’s that simple.

There are people who think that life is too short to hold grudges and so you should just make up with everyone. I think they have totally got it all wrong. Life is too short to allow people to abuse you. If someone has been abusive towards you, it is SMART to cut it off with them. That doesn’t mean you have to hate them. I don’t hate either of these nuts. And I don’t waste moments of my precious life thinking about it. When it’s done, it’s done. But you won’t see me making amends “because life is short”. If anything, life is too short to let either one ever come near my life again. That’s not a grudge talking. It’s me not being a dumb ass and letting an abuser back into my life. I truly have no ill wishes for either one. As long as they stay away from me and mine.