PonderEthereal

I wrote this at 1:10pm :

So are we all sufficiently convinced that everything must be fine and peachy in the life of Carrie today? It is.. aside from some minor.. perhaps not-so-minor concerns..

Top of my list has been healing and getting myself back together spiritually, emotionally and physically. I?m back in the gym and taking my vitamins again.. I lost more weight. I am now officially too small for the work clothes I bought in March. I?m working on some really basic daily cleansing and balancing stuff. The best way to heal a wound is to let it heal naturally and keep it clean, right? And I?m manipulating the fuck out of myself to find a more patient, balanced me.

The job search is still fruitless.. there is a REALLY good chance I got that job I interviewed for yesterday.. but I wont know till Monday and there is still one more interview after that. Every day that goes by is magnified by 10, in my eyes. I stare at my budget for the next month and at my dwindling cash and feel almost desperate. It?s frustrating. I have put my resume on every job search engine I could find and have methodically applied for every relevant position out there. I have two newspapers sitting behind me that still need to be gone through and I have applications in at a few different places near here. Unfortunately, no one who is hiring is in the kind of hurry that I?m in.

Michael and I are in deliberations… again. Sometimes, in the interest of making things smoother, in any relationship, you have to be spineless.. if indeed, your interest lies in making things smoother. You give when you can and you hope that when you are at a sore point, that the other person will give. Try as I might, it just isn?t in me to be nice and spineless toward him any more.. I try but I can?t help but be a raging bitch. He acts surprised. He actually said yesterday ?Why are you acting to mean towards me just because of what other ppl have told you???.. rofl.. um.. yeah.. and then there are those people who don?t even NOTICE when the shoe is on the other foot.

And speaking of shoes.. shoes have started dropping and I see looming shadows ahead of more to come. I have made a sincere effort not to comment when something irks me with Ryan. I ?blog? offline, a lot. Because the point of not voicing those frustrations right away is to give them time to settle and let me think about it rationally. It?s paid off in some instances. In others, it hasn?t. It?s a battle for me. React or wait and see.. what is actually dangerous to me and what just looks dangerous? Should I revert and think that I have reason to be paranoid because he too may have reverted or am I still safe in the lull of the recent months? And what about when I HAVE backed off and thought rationally about something and I?m still left with that creeping feeling of ?uh oh?? I ?blog? offline and keep my thoughts to myself. I’ve nothing else to do.

I miss Ethan horribly.. His birthday is coming up, ya know. He?ll be three. I?m getting him a bike. Well, I?m sending Nana and Pop the money for said bike so that they can get him a good one.. more efficient than buying a new one and shipping it. He?s starting to talk about missing me now. He asks questions about coming back home and where his toys are and where his bed is. I explained to him the best I could about what it means to feel what he?s feeling. We?ve always connected that way. He knows he can ask me questions and Ill try to understand and try to help him understand. A two year old really does feel those things and wonder about them. I do the best I can and it makes me so sad to know I am the cause of some of it. Sad is the only word to describe it.

I miss a lot about Memphis. I?m picking up new friendships but I miss being able to pick up a phone and call someone and know they are only miles away and that they know who I am and what I?m about. I want to go to Borders up the street.. but I miss being able to go out and know where I?m going. I joined a pagan mailing list here and I?m in a daze with all the new ?faces? and unfamiliar names and events that everyone else knows about. I miss knowing everything in all my circles. I miss having circles. I?m not alone. I?m making friends and learning about what?s around me. But I miss the comfort of knowing.

Things really are as wonderful as what I?ve posted. I really am happy and I really am feeling better as a whole. The place I?m in rocks, and the time Ryan and I have spent together has been great and living with him is the bomb. There are concerns. Everyone has them. No need to worry about me.