Beyond the Surface

Sometimes now, I experience something and I recognize part way through that although I’m living it and I’m immersed in it and I’m feeling it … that I’m writing lyrics for someone else to sing. That sure, I’m going through it but I am me and this is just a situation I’m trying on so that later I can empathize with someone else and help them heal.

It’s reassuring on one hand. It puts a positive spin on it. I’m never immersed for too long any more. But fuck… can’t I just be miserable with no hope in sight just like everybody else? :)

I’ve talked with others before who have gotten to their absolute darkest and haven’t actually ever been able to convince themselves to commit suicide. It’s like you walk right up to the edge and all of the ingredients are there but no cigar. I’m one of those. I’m nowhere near suicidal so no panic required - but it’s one of those things that occurs to me as I ponder this. I’ve been at those deep dark times and I’ve been suicidal and trust me that the fact that I’m still here is NO indication of how dark it was or wasnt because if I could have convinced that part of me to do it, I would have.

I think that people like us experience all of the blackness and pain and such but there is some level of separation that makes it impossible for us to really live it. When it boils right down to it, some part of us is not really convinced that our emotions know what the hell they are talking about. We make damn good healers because after we have a few years under our collective belts, there is not a goddamn thing that someone can say that we haven’t experienced to some level or another.

People get drawn to us. People need us. They need to tell us their problems, they need us to listen because some part of them gets that we have that thing that makes us ‘get it’ and we can help them ‘get it’. If I could amputate that part, sometimes I would. I’d like to be a dumb person living a simple life of video games and welfare sometimes. My life would be my drama and I would just forget about anything past those 4 walls. Ignorance sure seems like bliss sometimes.

I’d like to have friendships that don’t revolve around teaching and healing. But that’s just not who I am. No matter how mundane the friendship is, in a pinch, I’m the one that’s there. It’s always been that way - even when I was a dumb teenager, I was never quite as dumb as the next one. And ultimately, I don’t mind that. I like it kinda. I have a family of people around me who I love very deeply and who love me back and we been through some shit together, yo. :) I’m glad lately though, to surround myself with people who are more like me.